


Falling Inside the Black

by SeverEstHolmes



Series: In the Shadows. [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, HP: EWE, M/M, Self-Harm, Slash, self-injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-14
Updated: 2012-09-16
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 25,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeverEstHolmes/pseuds/SeverEstHolmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Losing the Fight. Harry thinks things are going fine between Draco and himself... but are they? And what happens when Draco begins to slip?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Harry's POV.

Things were not so perfect three months later…

Draco had been working slowly and thoroughly at beating the anorexia that I found out had plagued him from around the time that he had been inducted as a Death Eater. It had taken a while for him to initially get over his whole phobia of food and what it was going to do to him if he ate, but with the help of the healer and his counsellor in St. Mungos and me to keep supporting him he had been steadily gaining weight in the correct way. I could tell he wasn’t finding it easy; but he seemed to be giving it his all.

Almost three months to the day that I had met him he had gained enough weight to be allowed to be released as an outpatient rather than being kept in St. Mungos. When Draco had found this out from Healer Kiely he wasn’t at all happy about it…  
*

I beat the usual path to St. Mungos that I had taken so often recently, from the alleyway that I usually apparated in to from Grimmauld Place, then out into the muggle high street that hid the wizarding hospital.

Today was unbelievably fine; the spring air was clear, with just the tiny bite of a chill. It was starting to stay lighter now at night time, and the groups of flowers were starting to push their way up through the soil in the plant pots that ran up the centre of the high street. I had noticed recently that I observed these small things about the world a whole load more since starting my relationship with Draco. I felt that the world couldn’t get any sweeter.

When I arrived at the door of the ward I could see Draco’s tall figure standing by the window, he was back in his black suit attire and was beginning to look better now that he had started to fill out. At least he was beginning to look healthier; I couldn’t see his ribcage poking through his thin shirt or his pelvis through his trousers. His trousers were still being held up by his belt with a hole punched almost at the very end of the leather to make it small enough. Generally he was doing a hell of a lot better, in both his mood and outlook, but he still had off days, just like everyone does. From the way that he was standing it looked like today was going to be one of those bad days.

“Good morning.” I said, standing next to him and looking out onto the high street; obviously these windows were enchanted so that they were invisible from outside the building.

“There’s nothing good about it at all.” He replied curtly, not looking at me.

“Why not?” This didn’t sound good, I glanced behind at the table with his breakfast tray on it – it looked untouched and that was a definite indicator of not a good day.

“They’re fucking getting rid of me.” Draco exclaimed, wheeling around and staring down the ward towards where the healer was busy with another patient.

“What do you mean they’re getting rid of you?” I questioned.

“I’ve got a week left in St. Mungos as an inpatient, then they’re going to make me go home and be an outpatient.” He growled, sighing and collapsing heavily into one of the armchairs next to his bed.

“Isn’t that a good thing?” I asked surprised, “The first time I ran into you in here I believe you were telling the healer to get off you and let you go.” He shot me such a fierce glare that I physically recoiled.

“There was only one reason that I said yes to coming into this hell-hole.” He said very quietly, “And it wasn’t anything to do with the…” He trailed off when it came to the words ‘eating disorder’; he never used the words for why he was in there. “The only reason I actually agreed to come and be an inpatient was because I couldn’t stand being in the Manor all on my own… it was literally driving me round the twist.”

“Oh…” I breathed, “So even though you insisted that you didn’t want to be here and you’d rather be at home, you wanted company…”

“I wouldn’t quite put it like that…” Draco flushed and scowled even more.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of… I asked Ron and Hermione to move in with me so that I wouldn’t be on my own.” I shrugged, this was the honest truth – I couldn’t imagine myself alone in Sirius’ old house, that had kind of creeped me out, but with Ron and Hermione there it wasn’t so bad.

“Hmm.” He wrinkled his nose slightly.

“What?” I looked at him as firmly as I possibly could. “If there was someone else with you in your house would you mind living there?”

“Maybe… I don’t know.” He said, “I don’t think I would… ever since the Dark Lord lived in our house everything just seems… wrong, dirty, I don’t know…” A little shiver passed over his face.

“Aah, yeah I can understand that.” I nodded, leaning back against the window ledge. “Well… why don’t you move in with me?” The words had escaped my mouth without me having consciously thought about them, and I could feel my cheeks burning magenta as I screwed my eyes shut in embarrassment.

“Sometimes you are so much a Gryffindor that it makes me laugh!” Draco snorted and I opened my eyes to see him almost creased double with hysterical silent laughter. “Your mouth said that before your brain processed it, am I right?” He managed to say once he had regained more control of himself.

“Kind of yeah…” I nodded, grinning sheepishly, “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t mean the offer… my mouth just got there quicker than the rest of me.” Draco stopped grinning very abruptly and stared at me.

“Are you serious?” He sounded utterly dumb struck, the look on his face made me think that no one had ever offered him anything in his entire life.

“Well… yeah, I am.” I responded genuinely and the silence rose suddenly between us as I stared directly into Draco’s eyes, my heart rate increasing tenfold within the last couple of seconds.

“Really?” He questioned, clearly not believing me and I sighed exasperatedly.

“Honestly Draco… if you would like to I would be glad for you to come and stay in my house.” I crossed my arms and shook my head. He bounded upright off the bed and clasping his hands firmly on my hips, pulled me into a kiss.

“If you’re offering, I’d love to!” He answered, sounding rather breathlessly, and sounding ever so slightly camp, when he released me from the tight grip he had been holding me in as I suppressed the urge to burst out laughing myself.

“That’s sorted then. When you’re released from here you can come and stay at my house for as long as you want.” I announced happily, “Do you want your own room? I definitely have enough of them for you to have your own…”

“How about we just wait and see.” He said, his eyes wide and glittering with a kind of naïve innocence.

“Okay.” I agreed, “I’m so glad that you’re doing so well Draco.” I put my hand out and lightly placed it on top of Draco’s wrist, which was still incredibly bony but no longer just bone with skin stretched over the top; “I just want you to be healthy… and happy.”

“I know.” Draco pecked gently on my cheek. “I’m trying, I really am.” He smiled down at me, I knew that he was – he had been trying unbelievably hard and it made me feel like my heart might explode with pride and joy


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV.

            ‘Don’t do it. I said, don’t you dare put that foul muck in your mouth… Do you not remember what I told you, you big worthless lump? Have you any idea how many calories that plate of pasta has in it? THOUSANDS! That one plate is going to make you FAT! And how many plates have you been stuffing your face with, you disgusting pig? Should I be saying oink, oink, oink? By the looks of you that’s all you’ll be able to understand, fatty! Are you really that fat?! Oh yeah – you are! Why the hell are you letting all these people make you get fat? You _know_ you have the control to go against this! You _know_ they’re only trying to sabotage you and make you huge! You had been working so well! You were so close to perfection, you were so very near to your final goal… and now you’ve gone and ruined it all! Pudge, pudge, pudge, pudge, pudgy! You big fat worthless piece of crap! You have no idea what you’ve done, you should be working to get rid of all this fat that you’ve allowed them to layer on you! How fucking obese are you? Could you _get_ any bigger?! The only living thing that I’ve seen that’s bigger than you is the fucking blue whale, you huge tub of lard! I can’t believe you’ve let yourself get this fat! I’ve never seen the level of fat you’ve allowed yourself to get! I can’t believe you actually think Harry would ever love you…? If you think that then you must be even dimmer than you look! As _if_ he’d ever want to be with a freak like you! If you actually want him to like you then you’ve got a hell of a lot of work to do! But first you have to let me in…

            Draco – you _crave_ perfection, if you want to be perfect then you have to let me in…

            Draco – if you want to be thin then you need to let me in…

            Draco – if you want Harry to love you then you have to let me in…’

*

            Over and over and over it repeated inside my head; over and over the voice spoke to me until it was almost engrained inside my brain. Those three phrases: “If you want to be perfect; if you want to be thin; if you want Harry to love you – then you need to let me in…” I knew, well the sensible part of my brain knew that this voice was the eating disorder talking to me, and trying to take me back to the way it wanted me to be, manipulate me to go back and be its friend…

            For the past couple of days, however, I had been furiously trying to block out this voice; trying to filter it out from inside my head. I felt like I was putting all my effort into mentally sticking my fingers in my ears and shouting ‘lalalala’ to drown it out. I was trying my absolute best not to listen to what it was trying to tell me. But it was beginning to wear me down…

            Food seemed like even more of a challenge than when I had first started eating again; and now that Healer Kiely had told me that I was going to be made an outpatient the voice had come back stronger and louder than ever before.

            So I was pacing around my bed (this was one major advantage to having been eating, I could stand up for longer than I could before without fainting) that night – grinning to myself that I would soon be moving in with Harry… but then the voice found itself again.

            ‘You know what that means, don’t you Draco? He’s going to find out who you are – what you are… he’s going to find out all about you. He’s not going to like you when he finds out about you, about all of you, is he? He’ll make you go back to the Manor and then you’ll be all on your own again.’

            ‘NO! No, he wouldn’t do that! Harry actually likes me, he wouldn’t send me away to be all on my own.’ I argued back, but now I seemed to be trying to convince myself more than the little voice in my head.

            ‘Oh are you sure about that? Are you absolutely positive about that? How do you know that when he finds out what you’re really like that he won’t just drop you completely and leave you on your own? You _don’t_ know that do you? But I can make sure that you aren’t left on your own… you know that Draco, don’t you? You know that I wouldn’t let you down; I wouldn’t leave you on your own. I’m your only real friend Draco; you should know that by now! All you have to do is let me in… if you let me in then I’ll make sure you’re never alone.’

            ‘Let you in? All I have to do is let you in and I’ll never be alone?’ It sounded good, for the last thing I wanted was to end up alone with absolutely no one.

            ‘Yes Draco. I can make sure that you never are alone – I can make sure you can reach your goal of perfection can become reality. When you let me in, I will make that happen.’

            ‘You will? How? How can you do that?’ Now I was ready to listen.

            ‘Don’t worry Draco… I have a plan.’


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's POV

Draco was remarkably calm when I arrived just before dinner time, I didn’t know quite what mood to expect to find him in, as tonight was his last night as an inpatient of St. Mungos. He had seemed much calmer since I had offered that he could come and live with me – I, on the other hand, was in a state of nervous excitement. My stomach writhed as though I had swallowed some living creatures when I thought about it, but there was one aspect of him coming to live at Grimmauld Place that I hadn’t quite sorted out yet… I had neglected to tell Ron and Hermione that I had invited Draco to come and stay. I really needed to do that; otherwise they might kill me tomorrow when I brought Draco home. That made me smile… Draco was coming home with me tomorrow…

            “Hi.” I said tentatively, he was sitting on his bed with a tray of food, cutting his lasagne on the plate into tiny little pieces. He looked _too_ calm – he was _never_ this calm when there was food involved… “Are you enjoying that?” I nodded towards the tray and his eyes flickered from his plate up to my face.

            “Yeah, it’s alright.” He poked a piece of lasagne on his fork and placed it very carefully and deliberately in his mouth; something about this whole situation just didn’t feel right, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He very suddenly slammed his fork down onto the tray, making some of the juice in his glass slop over. “Are you still alright with me coming to stay with you when I get out of here?” I could have sighed in relief, if all that was bothering him was him worrying about moving in with me tomorrow then I could sort that.

            “You had me worried for a minute there! Of course it’s alright if you still want to come.” I laughed, smiling at him.

            “I just wanted to double check; I didn’t know whether you might have changed your mind.” Draco started poking the food on his plate again.

            “You’re doing well with that.” I commented gently, “Is there anything specific you want, or need for getting out of here tomorrow.”

            “Well – I’ll need some new clothes, and shoes, and some of my special shampoo – but I think I’ll need to send off an owl for it!” He started listing, ticking the things off on his fingers and then he caught the look on my face. “You don’t think I’m serious do you?” I had thought he was serious, he had sounded so much like the old Draco from school… but now his eyes twinkled in a completely different way. “No, there’s nothing; I’m sure whatever you’ve got will be good enough for me.”

            “Are you looking forwards to getting out of here?” I questioned, but Draco seemed to have retracted back into himself, and he didn’t seem to have noticed what I had said. “Draco?” He looked blankly at me, still with his fork poised above his plate. “I asked are you looking forwards to getting out of here?” Still no reply and his eyes had gone all glazed over. “Draco? Are you okay?”

            “Yeah – yeah, sorry…” He replied distractedly, then he shook his head. “Sorry, this food is just making me feel a little bit sick.”

            “Do you want me to get someone?” I asked, he shook his head again and pushed the tray further away on the table. “Shall I take it away?”

            “I don’t care.” He mumbled, I stood up and picked up the tray to take it up to Healer Kiely, who looked at me peculiarly when I placed the tray down.

            “Draco says it’s making him feel sick so he doesn’t want it.” I explained.

            “Hmmm…” The healer hummed quietly, “That’s the second time he’s done that today… I wonder whether I should run some tests before I release him tomorrow.” The second time today? Maybe something was wrong with Draco… or maybe he really didn’t want to leave the ward.

            “I’ll try and talk to him, then I can tell you before I leave.” I offered, I looked very closely at Draco as I went back to his bedside.

            “Why are you looking at me like that Harry?” He said abruptly and I scowled to stop my cheeks reddening.

            “Like what?”

            “Like I might drop down dead at any second.” He quipped, I winced as his statement brought back memories of that night where I had thought he was going to die…

            “The healer said you weren’t feeling well earlier on today too…” I mentioned quietly, “Do you think something’s wrong – do you have a virus or something?”

            “I don’t think so, I…” I was really disconcerted to see his hands shaking as he put one up to his forehead. “I’m just nervous… I – I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I kind of got used to it here – I knew what to expect.”

            “Well, we can sort that out when you move in.” I said, “If that’s what you want.”

            “Yeah… I think I’d like that…” He answered.

            “I should have probably told you that Ron and Hermione live in my house as well…” I realised that I should have told Draco this earlier than now, and I knew I should have warned Ron and Hermione that I’d asked Draco to move in before he actually did tomorrow… maybe give them a bit of time to adjust to the idea of Malfoy moving in.

            “Yeah… I kind of guessed that when you said you’d asked them to move in with you so you weren’t on your own like I was at the Manor.” Draco smiled; he leaned forwards and put his hand on top of mine. “Thank you for this Harry… I really appreciate you doing this for me.”

            “It’s no trouble… I’m glad I can be of some help, and I’m sure it won’t just be good for you.” I laughed mischievously, I stood up and kissed Draco’s cheek lightly, but he pulled away.

            “You should go.” He said sharply.

            “Okay…” I replied, suddenly feeling hurt. “Well I’ll see you tomorrow when you’re ready to get out.”

            “Yeah, thank you.” He nodded, and went back to staring blankly off into space as I walked back up the ward, passing the healer;

            “I don’t think you need to do any tests on Draco…I think he’s just nervous about leaving tomorrow.”

            “Okay, thank you.” The healer nodded, “See you tomorrow.”

            Something still didn’t seem to fit into place in my brain about the way Draco had been acting tonight… I was trying to reassure myself that he was probably just nervous about leaving… but there was a horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that made it not feel right.

            I stood outside St. Mungos in the muggle high street gazing up at where I guessed the enchanted window into Draco’s ward would be, wondering if he was maybe looking out of the window at me. I hadn’t wanted to leave so shortly after arriving, but Draco not feeling well had prompted me into deciding that I should go and speak to Ron and Hermione – but I was trying to put that off for as long as possible. But after standing in the same spot, looking in the same direction for roughly ten minutes, I knew that it was time to go. Especially as the sky had started to spit down small raindrops which made me turn in the spot and compress into the darkness.

            Slam!

            “Hell!” I exclaimed as my right knee came into painful contact with a low table which had certainly not been in the hallway when I had left. I rubbed my knee hard with my hand, ignoring the stabbing pains now running all the way down to my ankle. “Hell!” I cursed again. “Who the bloody hell put this table here?” I yelled into the silence of the house; it wasn’t empty though – I knew Ron and Hermione had been planning on being in the house all night. Still rubbing my knee I went into the sitting room, there were three cups on one of the tables, like there had been someone else there. So, they weren’t in the sitting room… then to the basement kitchen, which was where I normally went if I wasn’t in the sitting room. No sound – no noise whatsoever. I opened the kitchen door and was right; there was no one in there… I suddenly got a strange suspicion that I knew where they were and really didn’t want to interrupt them! I sat down in the kitchen and poured myself a drink; they would come down eventually I was sure.

            I was right that they eventually would come down, but I had half fallen asleep with my elbows rested on the table an hour and a half after I had arrived.

            “Oh, hi Harry!” Hermione jolted me out of my sleep. “We didn’t hear you come in, have you been here long?” I grimaced slightly, if they hadn’t heard me cursing at that table when I had first apparated, then I had been right about what they were doing.

            “I’ve been back for about an hour.” I replied vaguely, rubbing my eyes with the base of my hand. “I was wanting to talk to you both so I thought I should wait for you to…” I thought about my words carefully. “Resurface.” Ron grinned sheepishly and Hermione went very pink when I said that. She busied herself with putting the kettle on, but I knew what she was actually doing, she was avoiding Ron and my eyes as she went even deeper scarlet.

            “So, what did you want to talk to us about?” Ron asked quickly, obviously he was wanting to change the topic as his face was in danger of becoming the same colour as his hair. There must have been some kind of readable expression on my face because he questioned: “Is it about Malfoy?”

            “Well… yeah it is a bit.” I nodded, just then Hermione cut in over me:

            “Harry do you want tea?”

            “Uh, yeah, if you’re making it.” I answered, and she placed two cups in front of myself and Ron, who beamed at her… I instantly felt like the third wheel, very awkward!

            “About Malfoy… How is everything between you and him going?” Hermione asked, sitting down with her cup of tea.

            “Alright I think.” I noticed Ron very slowly was edging his hand towards Hermione’s on the table top. “I actually wanted to talk to you about him…” Deep breath. “He’s been doing a lot better recently and he’s getting released from St. Mungos as an inpatient cause he’s doing so well.”

            “Oh that’s fantast-” Hermione started to say.

            “Wait, let me finish before you say anything.” I cut over her, wanting to tell them before I chickened out of it. “He didn’t really want to leave the ward cause he didn’t want to go home.” They must know about Lucius being in Azkaban, but they’d know nothing about his mother also being in St. Mungos; it had taken Draco long enough to tell me. “So I kind of invited him to come and stay here with me, with us.” When I had finished I stayed still, waiting for them to say something.

            “You invited Malfoy to stay here?” Ron asked quietly after a couple of moment’s silence. “Are you serious?” Hermione slapped Ron’s upper arm playfully.

            “Shut up Ron, that’s really lovely Harry! Is he going to come and stay here?” She flashed her eyes warningly at Ron and smiled at me, I nodded. “When will he be moving in?” Ron was still gazing at me agog, like it was possibly the worst thing that could be happening.

            “He gets released tomorrow.” I bit my lip, if anything that was going to get a reaction it was that.

            “Tomorrow?” Hermione exclaimed, “That’s a bit short notice!”

            “Sorry, I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen; I know I should have probably told you earlier than now.” I apologised.

            “It’s not a problem for us Harry! We’re guests in your house too remember!” Hermione told me.

            “It’s not my house.” I protested vehemently, “You’re s entitled to living here as I am, and I think that the Burrow would be overcrowded if you were wanting to be together.”

            “You were telling me that tomorrow the three of us are going to be joined by a Death Eater, and all live in harmony?” Ron sounded incredibly sarcastic.

            “He’s not a Death Eater, he never was Ron. Yes he’s coming to live here, I think he’s really going to put the effort in with you guys, you know none of his “so called friends” have been to visit him once since he got admitted.” I was getting a little annoyed at Ron’s reluctance towards Draco, as I had told him, I was going to be with Draco whether he liked it or not… he still wasn’t too keen s it appeared. Ron sighed heavily.

            “Okay, I’ll try and be nice to him, alright Harry? But only because you’re my best mate…” Ron conceded, “But if he says anything about my family then he really will need to go back to St. Mungos.” I smiled at Ron, making a mental note to warn Draco.

            “Thanks guys… you two being okay with this really means a lot to me.” I thanked them, nodding in their direction; I noticed Ron had succeeded in taking Hermione’s hand.

            “You really do like him… you really care about him, don’t you Harry?” Hermione asked, suddenly sounding deadly serious. I looked straight at her and replied:

            “Yes, I really do.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

My stomach clenched as I pulled the covers of the bed further up me; I was feeling a little bit guilty about Harry and sending him away. I’d make it up to him somehow, I’m sure that I would when I moved in with him. Healer Kiely was tending to a new girl that had been admitted today, I was glaring at them; she was probably the reason that I was being released as an inpatient. But he was so occupied by her fighting against him trying to get free that I could get to the bathroom without being spotted. Advantage one of being released, tomorrow I’d get my wand back and I was sure that would come in handy. I checked and double checked that the door was locked so that the healer wouldn’t be able to barge in on me. I unbuttoned my shirt because I knew what I was going to do, the voice inside my head was instructing me on what to do.

            Kneeling on the cold linoleum floor I felt my heart speed up in my chest, did I use my fingers? What else could I use? There was a few split seconds in which I froze, not sure whether or how to do this. Then I plunged on without thinking any more about it – ramming my index and middle finger as far down my throat as I could make them go. Nothing happened. I took my fingers out of my mouth, why was this not working? It should be working, I knew there was a point at the back of my throat that acted like the manual eject, that’s what I wanted to get to. Manual eject. I tried again, fingers further down my throat; my mouth was watering an insane amount. Was I supposed to swallow, or spit it out; or was there something specific I should be doing to make myself throw up? My eyes were burning now, everything felt wrong – why the hell was I doing this? Because I needed to… it was more overdue now that I had all the fat on me, I needed to get rid of it, but I couldn’t make it come up – it just wasn’t going to happen. I retracted my fingers again, sighing slightly; it wasn’t going to come out, it wasn’t going to happen. I had failed, even though the voice had been specific about what I was supposed to do.

            I was wrong, the minute I had decided to take my fingers out and straighten up, it happened. It all came out at once – disgustingly fast; I could feel the tears that had been burning at the back of my eyes now pouring down my cheeks. I felt myself heaving, hating every second of making myself sick. As much as I was physically hating it, the voice inside my head seemed to be loving it.

            ‘Keep going, that’s it! So nearly there Draco, you’re doing so well. I told you my plan would work – in a little while you’ll feel fantastic, all because you let me in.’

            Breath after breath I as dragging in, trying to stop my whole body from shaking so much that my knees wouldn’t stay firmly enough on the floor.

            There was only a couple of seconds silence before there was a loud knock at the door. The damned healer must have heard me.

            “Draco? Draco, I can hear you in there – if you don’t open this door now I’m going to force it open.” The healer’s voice came through the bathroom door, I groaned. “Draco, open the door.” I could hear the seriousness in the healer’s voice, but I hadn’t quite regained the strength I had had before and my legs gave way underneath me.

            “I can’t quite get up yet.” I called weakly, then heard the lock of the door click, he was going to come in regardless. I felt him kneel down beside me and his cold hands touched my arm. “I can’t move yet, I’ve just puked.”

            “Yes Draco, I know, I could hear you on the ward. I had been keeping an eye on you since Harry left, he had mentioned you weren’t feeling too well… so I thought this might happen.” The healer explained, putting his hand under my arm and pulling me up – he was a lot stronger than he looked.

            “Can you just leave me here?” I pleaded, just wanting him to go so that I could break down completely; it was inevitable after a major episode of the voice that I felt guilty.

            “Leave the door open Draco, I need to be able to check on you and make sure you’re alright.” I didn’t want to agree so I said nothing, but the healer seemed to take that as consent. The linoleum wasn’t so cool on my cheek now that I had been lying on it for the past few minutes; I should get up and go back to the ward. There wasn’t actually anything wrong with me, it had been me making myself sick so the healer didn’t need to look after me.

            ‘No, you _should_ be going to the healer – and telling him you’re not ready to be released yet! Making yourself sick definitely isn’t ready to be released! Go and tell him what you’ve done! Harry won’t mind if you don’t get released tomorrow if you aren’t ready for it.’ Why did the good voice in my head sound so much like Harry?

            ‘Don’t be stupid! They’re getting rid of you, that’s not going to change just cause you’ve made yourself sick once… and anyway, you _know_ why you’re doing this, and you know you still have a long way to go! Remember Draco – thin, perfection, love…’

            If the good voice in my head was like Harry, then the other voice had to be myself…


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's POV

****

            My heart was flipping over and over in my chest so quick I thought it might be about to burst through my ribcage. I wondered how Draco was feeling right now… probably scared out of his wits about leaving St. Mungos if yesterday was anything to go by. But I was almost as nervous as he would be; taking home Draco Malfoy… there was something I never thought would happen… I pondered over whether Ron would have told Mrs. Weasley yet, and what her reaction would be! But that’s not what I should be thinking about right now I reminded myself. I should be thinking about Draco, and what I could do to make him being released not a big deal. I was surprised to find that Healer Kiely was waiting for me at the door of Draco’s ward.

            “Hello Harry.” He said firmly, he was looking very serious which made me feel ominous. “I’m guessing you’re here to collect Draco?”

            “I am yes.” I answered; hell – I felt like I was about to be told off for some reason!

            “Before you do – could I possibly have a word with you?” The healer inquired, I nodded. “Let’s go to the staff room so no one can overhear us.” I followed him along the opposite way along the corridor into a small brightly lit room which at the moment was empty. “Would you like to take a seat?” I obliged and he sat down across from me. “I just wanted to have a quick chat with you before Draco gets released. Now I know Draco thinks that we’re getting rid of him.” I shifted in the seat; I knew this was exactly what Draco thought. “But that’s not true – we think he’s doing well enough to go back into the outside world. It’s all fine that he’s getting better in here with all the team in here supporting him, but he needs to learn to cope without that tightly knit support group.” I frowned slightly. “I don’t mean at all that you shouldn’t support him as best as you can! What I do mean is that his eating disorder is something that is likely to be around for the rest of his life, he needs to learn coping mechanisms.”

            “Right.” I said very slowly.

            “Also, I heard he’s coming to live with you…” This was definitely some kind of open question so I nodded. “Would you be able to keep an eye on him? Just make sure that he’s eating enough, not engaging in any kind of excessive exercise or anything like that? I don’t mean watch him like a hawk, just be aware… and don’t be worried at all about contacting us and asking for some help if you need it.”

            “Yeah okay, I’ll do that.” I agreed, I don’t know how he could think I wouldn’t do that anyway!

            “Good,” He nodded slowly, “I think that’s all I really wanted to talk to you about.” I stood up from the chair nodded at the healer.

            “So can I see him now?” I asked.

            “Of course.” The healer replied closing the door of the staff room behind him. “Oh – also, last night Draco wasn’t too well… I found him being sick, so he was still a bit shaky earlier on this morning, but we did eventually manage to persuade him to have something to eat.”

            “He was actually sick?” I asked, my heart jolting. “I thought he was maybe feeling nervous about getting let out of here today – you know, like when I get nervous I find it difficult to eat…”

            “It might be nerves – it might be a twenty-four hour bug or something like that, but we’ve checked him over this morning and we think he’s well enough to be released at any case, so we don’t think it’s anything serious.”

            “Well that’s good then.” I breathed, we were at the entrance of the ward now and my stomach had resumed its furious squirming with my own nerves and excitement.

            Draco genuinely looked terrified as he was sat on the bed which had been his, with a bag full of the things he had brought to St. Mungos ready and waiting on the floor. He didn’t even seem to notice me when I entered, not until I was almost right in front of him.

            “Hi.” He said shortly.

            “Hey,” I replied smiling at him. “You ready?”

            “As I’ll ever be.” He shrugged.

            “Shall we go?” I suggested tentatively and Draco nodded, standing up from the bed and picking up his bag. We walked up to the ward to the healer who was smiling at Draco. “All set Draco?” Healer Kiely asked, looking as encouraging as I think he could. “I’ve signed all your papers so you’re free to leave, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing you soon enough for your outpatient appointments.” Draco didn’t nod or even move at all in acknowledgement of what the healer had said. “Right, I think that’s about everything – except…” He moved away to the desk in the far corner near the door, fished around for something underneath it and came back. “Here we go…” The healer stretched out his hand with Draco’s wand in it and Draco put out a slightly trembling hand took possession of it, probably for the first time since he had been admitted. “You’ll be needing that; I doubt you’d want to leave that behind!” Draco was still gazing down at the wand in his hand.

            “Thanks…” Draco’s voice was husky like his throat had gone dry.

            “You’re welcome Draco.” He answered, “Take care now.” With that final note Healer Kiely nodded at the two of us and went back to his duties. Draco appeared to be frozen to the spot, he was very white.

            “Come on.” I commented, taking his bag off him and slipping my hand into his. “Let’s go.” After another second his brain seemed to grind back into function and he started to work with me.

            “This is so bizarre…” Draco whispered. “Do… would you mind if I did one last thing before we go?”

            “Sure, whatever you want.” I agreed, Draco stopped and turned round the other way.

            “This way.” He said, and I instantly knew where he was going… to see his mother before he left.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

Harry followed me obediently along the corridor; I felt as though I had been starched, my whole body was stiff and resistant of movement and had been since I woke up that morning. At the entrance of the ward that my mum was in Harry stopped:

            “Do you want to go in on your own?” He asked, slipping his hand out of mine.

            “You can come if you want.” My skin was tingling and my heart seemed restricted in my chest. The door to my mum’s room was slightly ajar and I pushed it open further. “Good afternoon mum.” My words caught in my throat, she was sitting in her usual position – on top of her bed covers with her knees pulled up towards her chest, staring ahead of her blankly. “Mum, I’m here cause I’m going away… I wanted to see you before I left, fill you in on what’s been happening until I see you next.” Nothing, no reaction whatsoever. More than anything that was what got to me; it wasn’t that she was in this psycho ward, or that she was unlikely to ever be released – it was that she didn’t seem to be herself anymore. She was just a shell, an empty vacuum; she was what I imagined a person would be like after they had been subjected to the dementor’s kiss. “Well I’m not going back to the manor… I’m not sure I ever want to go back there – it’s too big, too cold… I guess you’d probably understand what I mean when I say that the whole place feels dirty, wrong since he lived there. And what’s the point in going back there when I’d just rattle around on my own?” I looked at her, if she wasn’t going to reply or even acknowledge that I was in the room then I was just going to keep talking. “Harry invited me to go and stay with him – so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to be in your aunts’ house mum, its Harry’s now of course… he said I’m on a family tree in there that even I didn’t know about!” I lapsed into a semi-thoughtful silence, if only… “I promise I will come and see you again, I’m not disappearing completely… I’ll come and fill you in about everything that’s going on mum.” I leant towards her and kissed her on the cheek. For a split second I thought I saw a flicker of recognition deep inside her eyes, so deep that it could have been inside her very mind; but then I was sure I must have imagined it because her eyes seemed as empty and hollow out as when I had first entered the room. “Bye mum, I’ll see you soon.” I had left Harry out in the corridor, or more precisely he had thought he should give me the chance to speak to my mum on my own. I thought he might be hovering around outside, maybe listening in on my conversation with my mum, but as I drew my mum’s door closed I couldn’t see him anywhere near. Then I spotted him right along the other end of the ward, past my mum’s door and up to the left, looking in through a window of someone else’s’ room.

            “How many people do you reckon are in this ward?” He asked vaguely as I approached him, I wondered how he had known it was me as he had his back to me.

            “I would imagine quite a lot of people.” I replied, he was gazing into a room which held a little man who seemed to be surrounded by potted plants.

            “Do you reckon anyone ever comes to visit them?” He suddenly sounded as though he had acquired a head cold in a matter of seconds. “Do you think if anyone had paid attention to them in the first place that they’d be in here?”

            “That’s not fair, I couldn’t help my mother. I was there for her, but I couldn’t have done anything else.” I protested.

            “I didn’t mean that all of them are in here for no reason, but some of them – maybe even half of them haven’t really got anything wrong with them… they’re just lonely.” He was still watching the man in the room who was now talking to a potted sunflower.

            “I don’t know, I wouldn’t bet on it… I don’t think they put people in this ward for no reason.” I muttered very quietly. Harry finally tore his gaze away from the man and turned to look at me.

            “Are you ready to go?” He asked, giving me a weak smile. 

            “Yeah, I think so now.” I nodded, slipping my hand back into his; enjoying the way that our hands fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. “Can we walk to your house?” I inquired as we left my mum’s ward.

            “We can if that’s what you want; it’s quite a walk though.” Harry answered.

            “We’ve got all the time we want though… don’t we?” I said.

            “We have all the time in the world.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's POV

It wasn’t as cold as it had been recently; maybe spring was well and truly on its way. Draco was simply entranced by the outside world; that didn’t really surprise me seeing as though he had been in St. Mungos for the past four months and the only bit of the outside world he had seen was the muggle high street when he had been let out for a cigarette. It did take a long time to get anywhere near Grimmauld place, and we ended up getting side tracked into the park about ten minutes away from the house. We sat down on a wooden bench in an amicable silence, I could see Draco out of the corner of my eye and I got the impression that he was in a trance. He looked like he was drinking in all the sights, sounds, smells and other sensations that the world around us had to offer. It made me smile.

            “Are Granger and the Weasel alright with me coming to stay?” Draco asked after a long period of silence between us.

            “I wouldn’t call them that. Hermione was fine about it, but…” I felt like I was lying as I trailed off; well Hermione had forgiven Draco… I was sure she had, Ron was a completely different kettle of fish however… I didn’t know if he’d ever forgive Draco. The Weasley’s and the Malfoy’s had been set against each other for an awfully long time – whether he’d be able to change his opinion I wasn’t sure. “Oh… I’ll warn you now – I know you’re a Malfoy and all, but please, Ron is my best mate and his family have looked after me like one of their own… don’t make any stupid references or jibes about his family otherwise he might do something stupid.” I was not too happy to see Draco grinning at this. “I mean it Draco.”

            “I’ll do my best… it’s not like I actually want to be a Malfoy anymore… not now that the name is worth the same as a pile of slime…” I retorted. “I promised myself a new start and that’s what I intend to give myself.”

            “Good, cause I’d hate to think what Ron would do to you if you did insult his family.” I was trying to make my voice light and cheery, but really I was being quite serious.

            “You’re far too generous for your own good, you know that?” Draco told me, I scoffed. “How many people are living in your house now Harry?” I shrugged. “You’re allowed to admit that you’re generous.”

            “I’m just being a friend.” I replied calmly, Draco gently rested his head on my shoulder.

            “Well then you’re too good at being a friend.” I was beginning to wonder whether Draco had had a personality transplant or something since we left St. Mungos.

            “Are you alright Draco?” I asked.

            “Of course. I haven’t gone mad or anything, I just want to let you know that I’m grateful about what you’re doing.” Draco sighed slightly exasperatedly. “You know, new start?”

            “Okay.” I reassured myself by looking sideways at him, he seemed to have the same idea at the same time and I felt my heart flutter as he smiled at me. Then I was kissing him; in broad daylight on a bench in the middle of a park. It didn’t even cross my mind that there might be other people in the park and I didn’t care.

            “I love you.” Draco whispered as he pulled away from the kiss, still with his eyes closed. I felt like I had been doused in freezing cold water; goose bumps were erupting all over my body and a shiver ran down my spine… I had heard that incorrectly, no?

            “I love you too.” I heard the words escape my lips before I realised they had; Draco’s mercury silver eyes were brimming with tears as he leant forwards to kiss me again. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

‘Liar! Liar! Draco you fucking simpleton! Can’t you tell that he’s lying?!’ The voice was yelling furiously as I took Harry’s hand. ‘Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, LIAR! Bloody hell Draco, can’t you see it in his eyes?’ Thump, thump, thump – my heart was working in rhythm with my feet. I glanced at him, but I couldn’t see his eyes. ‘He doesn’t want to look at you because he knows that I know he’s lying and he knows that I’ll tell you because I’m your friend.’

            “It’s just round here.” I heard Harry say to me and I struggled to pull my mind back to the conversation with Harry, away from the inner monologue going on in my head. He was pointing roughly halfway along the street that we had just arrived at. Clearly it was a row of muggle houses with one single wizarding house, I wondered why my relatives would have wanted to live here? “Can you see it?”

            “Well yeah… why wouldn’t I see it?” I asked a little confused and still trying to ignore the voice in my head.

            “When I first Grimmauld Place I couldn’t see it – it was under the fidelius charm. Dumbledore was the secret keeper, for the Order of the Phoenix.” He told me, “When… when Dumbledore died everyone in the Order of the Phoenix became a secret keeper in their own right. Once the war was over I tried to remove the fidelius charm from the house, with Hermione’s help, of course, I didn’t know whether it had worked.”

            “So if I can see it, it must have worked, right?” He nodded.

            “I guess so.” This close to his house I suddenly did feel ill – I wasn’t so sure about this, about living with Harry, Ron and Hermione. Harry sensed my hesitation: “Come on, it’ll be fine.” He squeezed my hand tightly as we went up the stairs. He tapped his wand where the handle of the door would be and there was a click and the door creaked open; he pushed the door wider open and led me into the dark hallway.

            ‘Can you imagine what your father would think if he saw you here? He’d flay you alive! With Harry Potter, in Harry Potter’s house?! He would make you see sense in the way that I seem to be unable to! If you won’t listen to me I know you’d listen to him!’ I shivered slightly, my father was in Azkaban, he wouldn’t be able to flay me alive. ‘I don’t understand why you’re fighting me… you know that you’ll let me in eventually, so why are you fighting me now?’

            “Would you like a cup of tea?” Harry inquired, putting my bag down at the bottom of the staircase.

            “Um… yeah?” I muttered.

            “In here.” Harry explained, moving further along the hallway to a door; it was a sitting room, which looked as though it had recently been refurnished. The room had a very lived-in look, the sofa had a pile of books lying just in front of it on the floor, I presumed that they were probably Grangers’, she was the bookworm. The little writing table was next to an armchair with a red throw over it, the table had piles of parchment, quills and an assortment of ink bottles.

            “Sorry it’s a little messy…” Harry apologised sheepishly. “Hermione told me to clean up before you arrived, but I didn’t have enough time to do everywhere…” He was talking very fast and I could feel myself smiling at him. “What…?” He stopped babbling.

            “It’s nice. It’s actually like a home, rather than the surgically clean ward… or the Manor.” The Manor could never look this welcoming, ever… It was more like a museum where everything had its proper place; the Manor had never been a place suitable for human habitation… There had been little parts of it that I had claimed though, like my own bedroom.

            “Thanks…” Harry’s cheek tinted pink slightly. “I’ll get some tea, have a seat.” I perched on the edge of the armchair with a faded blue throw over it and listened to Harry clattering along the hallway, until his footsteps had faded into the silence of the rest of the house. I stood up again from the edge of the chair and looked around as surreptitiously as I could; there was an old fashioned cabinet which looked as though it had come from the baroque period, all four of the shelves were packed with books ranging from Arithmancy to Defence against the Dark Arts to Ancient Runes, I even spotted some that looked like novels. The writing desk was stacked with letters, brochures for courses of study; I wondered if they were Harry’s, whether they were his plans for a career…Along the stretch of wall behind the armchair that I had been sat on ran a velvet tapestry in black, gold and silver; glancing upwards I read: ‘The Most Noble and Ancient House of Black’, then below that: “Tojours Pur” – this must be the family tree that Harry had mentioned to me. I looked at the very last main line on the family tree – there was a Regulas Black, who I’d heard vaguely about from my mother and Aunt Bellatrix… I could see Aunt Bellatrix and her weirdo husband, then my mother with a double gold line attaching Narcissa to Lucius Malfoy, and a single gold line stemmed down from their names to my own name. Running along part of the tapestry in which I guessed the name must have died out there was a shelf with framed photographs, most of the wizarding photos, but about two had static figures in them. I picked up one of Harry, Ron and Hermione standing in front of the Hogwarts Express at the end of the first year. It felt peculiar to think about how long ago that had been – nearly ten years now.

            “Hagrid took that photo.” Harry’s voice came from the door of the room; I started and nearly dropped it. “Hermione really likes having photos all over the place, says it makes it feel more like home.” He explained, I placed it carefully back onto the shelf. He handed my mug of tea to me, “I think I’d try anything to make this place really feel like home.”

            “But it is your home.” I said rather stupidly, Harry sat down in the other armchair.

            “It doesn’t feel like it is.” He suddenly looked very dark. “In my head it’s still the headquarter of the Order of the Phoenix… its still Sirius’ house.” He sounded mournful. “If Sirius hadn’t known his stuff then this house would be yours… or your mothers.” I didn’t know what to say, this was obviously a sensitive subject. “I don’t think I’ll ever really think of it as home… I considered selling it a couple of months back.” He continued. “But who would want to live in this house? Especially as it has several… _objects_ that we can’t seem to get rid of and I don’t think we ever will get rid of.”

            “Objects?” I asked, “Like what?”

            “Well, we managed to get the picture of Sirius’ mum down, it was Hermione’s work – she somehow managed to barter with the insane woman…” Harry was shaking his head incredulously. “And we got down some old photos and newspaper cuttings from the wall upstairs, it appeared that they hadn’t been put up with a permanent sticking charm like we thought they had… but there’s still the tapestry in here, we can’t get that down…and there’s a few other bits and pieces dotted about the place.” He expanded.

            “Oh.” I, again, wasn’t sure what to say.

            “I guess I’ll just have to keep the place, I wouldn’t like to live here forever though.” Harry sighed. “Anyway, the house is boring; you don’t want to know about that.”

            “I don’t mind, anything you have to say is definitely more interesting than what the healer had to say in St. Mungos.” I joked, taking a sip of my tea.

            “What did you have to do in St. Mungos; did they make you talk or something?” Harry inquired rather innocently.

            “Yeah, they had all the different kinds of therapy – art therapy, music therapy, psychoanalysis; all that shit where you have to talk about the past.” I said, then blinked realising what I had said.

            “So, not much fun then?” Harry laughed, I nodded. “Well, I can’t do psychoanalysis or any of that shit, but I can do talking if you want.”

            “You don’t really mean that.” I replied, he was looking awkward.

            “I do – I’m not exactly very good at talking, but I can try my best… I’ll try whatever I can for you.” Harry answered, again looking awkward but genuine; there was a long pause between us as we both continued to drink our tea. “So… would you like to see where you’re sleeping before I start to make food?” Harry offered.

            “Yeah, alright.” I agreed anything to put off being fed again! I put my mug, which was now less than half full, down on the writing table and followed Harry out into the hallway. He collected my bag from the bottom of the stairs and we began to climb up; I walked one step behind Harry, noticing that several of the wooden steps creaked loudly when you put pressure on them. On the second landing there were four doorways off the hall; Harry went to the door just to the left of the stair case.

            “This one’s yours.” He told me, “My room is just that one along to the right. We haven’t gone in to the rooms along that end,” He warned me. “We will at some point, I just haven’t gotten round to it yet.” He tapped the door handle with his wand and it swung open; the room was mainly decorated in rich greens and cold silvers. I stared around with my mouth open; it kind of reminded me of my old room at the Manor that I’d decked out with Slytherin colours. But there was definitely something different – it didn’t feel as empty and cold as the Manor had done, on the contrary this room felt homely and cosy. “It used to be Regulas’ room.” Harry sounded nervous as he divulged this piece of information.

            “It looks great.” I felt my face break into a grin. “It must have taken you a while to sort this place out! Thank you.” I took a step closer towards him as his cheeks burned red.

            “It’s no problem – I just wanted to make sure there was definitely somewhere that you could feel at home in.” He mumbled as I took another step towards him; I was now only inches away from him.

            “I love it.” I whispered, looking onto his green gaze with my grey eyes; I was trying to subliminally message to him what I was going to do. I placed one hand on his shoulder and bent down to kiss him. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's POV

We landed with a soft thump onto the duvet cover of Draco’s new bed.

            “Oh! Sorry! Are you alright?” Draco pulled away and asked quickly. I didn’t answer – the kiss had been too warm and too perfect for it to stop now, and I think Draco understood that as I started to kiss him again.

            I wasn’t sure what it was, but I felt like some kind of barrier between us had broken… And it felt fantastic! His hands running through my hair, mine caressing his chest through his shirt; this was all I wanted, all I had ever wanted – someone to make me feel as real, as alive as I did right now. Draco’s hands had left my hair now, they were creeping further down my body – it sent pleasant shivers chasing down my spine. His hand pressed gently on my crotch through my jeans and I pulled away from the kiss.

            “Draco…” I uttered, staring into his sparkling eyes.

            “Sssh…” He whispered sliding his hand down the waistband of my trousers and kissing me more deeply. My hands were held firmly near Draco’s hips, pulling him in close to me.

            Then suddenly the two of us seemed to be in a frenzy, my heart was beating so fast it was almost supersonic.

            “Wait.” I said quickly, letting go of Draco and grabbing my wand from the pocket of my jeans. I flicked it at the door, which swung shut, then flicked it once more and the lock clicked. “We don’t want anyone bursting in on us, do we?” I smiled at him, dropping my wand gently. Then I began to fumble with the buttons on Draco’s shirt, I could feel him tugging at the button on my jeans. I was breathing hard and fast, I could hear Draco was too… I managed to undo the final button on Draco’s shirt and pulled it off so quickly that I almost ripped it; Draco had managed to get my jeans button unfastened. I pulled my t-shirt over my head in one swift movement and yanked my jeans off; noticing Draco was doing the same with his trousers. There were a few seconds once we had both finished de-robing when we just stared at one another, I was realising that this was the first time either of us had seen the other practically naked…

            Then we were entwined with one another again; I was relishing in the feeling of Draco’s warm skin against mine, my skin was tingling as I felt his heart pounding in his chest just as much as mine was. My hands searched Draco’s body, he was still thin – but I couldn’t feel his ribs sticking out anymore, he felt wonderful… I closed my eyes as we kissed; he still smelt faintly of cleaning detergent, but his own musky perfume was stronger, enticing me to keep going. He was pressed right up next to me, his chest warm on the skin of my own; his skin soft. His hand was pressed against my crotch and mine against his, he was hard. I was shivering with excitement as Draco pulled away from the kiss, moaning.

            With what seemed like superhuman strength Draco pushed me back onto the bed and climbed on top of me. His hands were just above my shoulders, his hips pressed into mine and he was staring down at me with a hungry look in his eyes.

            “Draco… are you sure?” I questioned, my back arched as he licked my neck playfully.

            “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” Draco answered.

            I didn’t know why I had felt so nervous about this before now – now that Draco and I were here, practically naked and both wanting each other, it seemed like the most natural think ever. Our bodies moulded together perfectly. Draco’s hand was inside my boxers; even though his fingers were cold the feeling of his touch was making my head whirl. I heard a gasp escape from my mouth without meaning to, and my own strength became apparent. Suddenly I was on top of Draco, pulling down his boxers and taking hold of his member with one hand before beginning to kiss him again. I had never done this before – it was all completely new to me, but I got the impression that it wasn’t all that new to Draco, and he seemed to know this too.

            “You haven’t done this before?” I shook my head nervously. “I’ll guide you…” He whispered, nibbling my ear tantalizingly. He took hold of my hand and guided me how to move – I very quickly picked it up.

            I wanted Draco. I wanted to be in him, to be part of him.

            “Harry…” Draco gasped as my hand tightened, heightening his pleasure. “Harry…” He growled, “Fuck me.”

            “With pleasure.” I uttered and kissed him fiercely. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

Harry was stroking my face gently; my eyes were closed, but he knew I was still awake. He was lying on my right side, the duvet covers casually pulled halfway up his body.

            “Draco, you are fantastic… you know that?” He whispered to me quietly, I felt my heart squirm inside my chest as a warmth received from his words spread all through my body, right to the tips of my fingers.

            “Yes, I know.” I joked, in the sort of way I would have done when I was at school. I started laughing before I even opened my eyes, and when I did Harry was grinning at me. “So are you.” I planted a quick kiss on his cheek as I stopped laughing. “I never thought anything like this would be possible… like me and you, together.” I told him honestly, being drawn in by the emerald-ness of his eyes.

            “Neither did I…” Harry answered softly, “I’ve sworn several times in my life that I didn’t like someone and I’d never forgive them for something they’d done, that I would hate eternally… I’ve changed my mind on a few of those people.”

            “Who?” I questioned interestedly.

            “Severus was one, I never ever wanted to forgive him…” Harry replied, “But when I found out why… when I found out that he had been protecting me for years and that everything between Dumbledore and him had been planned and I knew why then I did forgive him…” He sighed. “And there’s someone I spent the majority of my childhood hating, and all the time I was at Hogwarts I was wishing I could curse him to hell’s oblivion… but then I realised he wasn’t as bad as I thought he was.” Harry said vaguely, then as he kept  looking at me he expanded: “My cousin Dudley, I spent eleven years watching him get everything he wanted and I was jealous;” By god he was honest, it made me shiver. “And there was you, of course…” His fingers lightly ghosted my cheek making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. “I didn’t like you, but you know that.”

            “And I didn’t really like you; we each represented something opposite to each other.” I sighed.

            “Really? What did I represent to you?” He asked sounding confused.

            “Freedom.” I said.

            “Freedom? What do you mean freedom?”

            “You always had your own choice, your own opinions… you were able to make up your own mind about the world and life. I wish I had been able to do that…” Harry had a look of deepest concentration on his face, like he was trying to work something out.

            “Can… can I ask you a question?” He asked tentatively, I nodded. “So… so your eating disorder… is that to do with it? Like, being able to make up your own mind and be in control of something when everything else was decided for you…?” I could tell that he was nervous about bringing it up, I paused thoughtfully.

            “I hadn’t really thought of it like that.” I responded genuinely. “When you say it like that it makes sense.”

            “Sorry.” He mumbled, “I never know what to say…”

            “It doesn’t matter what you say, I know what you mean and that’s what matters.” I smiled at Harry, who had just propped himself up on one elbow.

            “As long as you’re alright.” Alarm bells were beginning to ring in my head – I had the sudden urge to tell Harry everything about what was going on in my head, but I found myself biting my lip. I wouldn’t say anything; I wouldn’t be so stupid to think that it was important at all… He leant in to kiss me, one handed rested gently on my chest; it wasn’t like the way we had kissed before, it wasn’t fierce and passion-driven but soft, caring and loving.

            “Harry?” The voice of a girl called, breaking the silence in the house. “Harry? Are you here?”

            “Hell! It’s Hermione!” Harry almost leapt out of bed and began pulling on his jeans.

            “Right.” I said, sitting up and throwing the duvet off of me, my heart doubled in speed. Harry was trying to sort his hair in the mirror on the wall as I buttoned my shirt up. “Harry, are you still sure this is okay?”

            “What? You being here?” He asked looking at me in the mirror, I nodded. “Of course! I want you here! I mean, if you don’t want to be you don’t have to…” He had stopped sorting his hair and turned to look directly at me as he finished buttoning up my shirt. “Are you nervous about living with Ron and Hermione?” I stared down at my feet for a few seconds, feeling decidedly uncomfortable.

            “A little bit.” I finally answered in a tiny weak voice.

            “You don’t have to be.” Harry moved so he was in front of me and finished buttoning up the last button on my shirt for me. “I know that it’ll feel a little strange, but you’ll get used to it, and so will Ron and Hermione… and I’m sure we’ll all get on fine.” His fingers paused momentarily underneath my chin, as I looked up I thought I saw his eyes glistening with tears, but then he slipped his hand into mine and said; “Come on, we better go down and say we’re here.” I followed him as he began to move.

            “What are you going to say about not answering straight away?” I questioned quickly, it had been a good five minutes since Hermione had called to see if anyone was in.

            “I’ll just say I was showing you about the house.” He replied, grinning at me and going slightly red. “Well, they don’t need to know what we were doing, do they?”

            “No, I think I’d rather _not_ know what you’ve been doing.” I jumped as the voice came from behind us; I spun round and saw the red hair and slightly disgusted expression on Ron Weasley’s face. He wasn’t looking at me though, which I was very grateful about as I already thought I might be about to pass out. “You know what I said Harry, I want to know _nothing_ about what goes on between the two of you…”

            “I know you said that, but unfortunately for you we didn’t know you were there.” Harry laughed. “So we couldn’t help it!” Harry squeezed my hand encouragingly.

            “Oh alright…” Ron grumbled, “Just check from now on… alright Malfoy?” He nodded vaguely to me.

            “Hi.” I said stiffly, feeling completely out of place and standing very still, like I might just vanish if I did.

            “Are you three going to come down the stairs or just stand there all night?” Hermione Granger’s voice came from the landing just below. “Hi Malfoy.” I noted the renewed use of my surname, which I loathed… I didn’t want to be a Malfoy anymore, but that’s what I definitely had been whilst at school.

            “It’s alright to call him Draco.” Harry stated plainly and I wondered if he had been reading my mind!

            “Oh…” Hermione’s cheeks went pink. “Sorry. How are you Draco?”

            “Fine thanks,” I replied feeling even more out of place; was I supposed to reply? I didn’t really know them; I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

            “Have you finished cooking yet?” Ron asked, almost ignoring me – I was thankful that he was, I wouldn’t know what to do or say if he had paid attention to me.

            “Oh I’m sorry; I know I was meant to be cooking tonight.” Harry apologised.

            “It’s alright, you had to get Draco settled in so I thought I might start cooking…” Hermione smiled and for the first time ever while looking at her, my heart swelled with gratitude. “I’m nearly finished now, although it would’ve been ready quicker if you had helped Ron!” She scolded slightly. “Come and help.” As she moved away I was led by Harry in the same direction, my anticipation increasing as I went to eat my first meal with them. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

Draco was running.

            Running down what seemed to be a deserted looking street with rows and rows of houses on either side. I didn’t seem to be getting any further, but my feet still pounded hard on the concrete. The hair on the back of my neck was prickling, I felt like I was being chased; someone was following me. My breath was catching raggedly in my chest, I felt like my knees might fold in on me if I kept going – but I couldn’t stop now. Not when I was being chased like this…

            But was I being chased? Who was running behind me? Was it even a who? Or was it a what… I didn’t know for sure but I couldn’t stop now, not with the possibility of being caught by the thing. My mind knew I had to keep going, I had to keep running; yet my body wasn’t agreeing. My heart felt as though it might implode in my ribcage and leave me lying on the floor to be caught. Everything around me looked the same; I had no idea where I was.

            But a fork in the street was coming into view as I was running towards I; the street split off into two parallel streets, both lined with muggle houses. It was a split second decision I had to make, left or right? Left…. Or right…?

            Right. I didn’t consciously decide, but I found my feet running towards the right side of the street. As I entered the mouth of the street my legs were trying to give out on me, but my heart leapt as I recognised Harry’s house standing in the middle of the row. I just had to get there, I would be safe in there; whatever was following me wouldn’t be able to get me in there, I was sure. I bounded towards it, up the stairs intending to hammer on the door as loud as I could until someone opened it, but to my surprise the front door sprung open as I drew near to it. I slammed the door behind me, still not seeing any hint of what might have been behind me.

            Harry. If I could find Harry then I’d know how secure this house was, but the hair on the back of my neck was still prickling as I ran up the two flights of stairs, too out of breath to shout out. I heard noise from the room that I was staying in… maybe Harry was in there wondering where I was.

            I pulled open the door and my heart, which had been speeding in my chest, now stopped dead.

            I was going mad – I was clearly going mad; Harry wasn’t in the room. The only person in the room, or more precisely in the en suite, was myself. My legs seemed to have locked at the knee – I was watching myself. This was bizarre; my head was hurting in confusion. I could see myself holding onto the edges of the sink, knuckles white at the effort that I seemed to be outputting to stay upright. What was I doing?

            But I knew the answer to that. That was the way I looked at myself in the mirror when I was about to purge and make myself sick. I didn’t want to stand here and watch, but my knees had jammed and my feet seemed to be super glued to the floor. I was going to watch. A cold wash of dread and horror came over me, as though someone had opened the top of my head and poured it in until it overflowed. I watched myself move from the sink, I bent down in front of the toilet bowl. I couldn’t bear to watch this – I wanted to clamp my eyes shut and cover my ears with my hands, or run away; but I couldn’t move my feet or any other part of my body. I was stuck and I had to watch.

            The version of myself that I was watching was preparing, then shoving two fingers into its throat – my throat. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen in my life; as I watched the back of myself shaking and convulsing before starting to throw up. I felt like my heart might break. I couldn’t believe that was what I was doing to myself; I looked like I was killing myself.

            As I still couldn’t move another wave of revulsion and pity flooded over me. Then my neck prickled with cold again and the thing that had been chasing me enclosed me from behind…


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's POV

I knocked gently on Draco's bedroom door and waited for a few moments. I was just about to push the door open when I saw the handle wiggle and the door swung open inwards. Draco was already fully dressed in another of his suits; it wasn't quite as dark as his usual black, it was a charcoaly light grey. The difference the colour of his suit made on him was remarkable! It gave him a completely new appearance; he didn't look as menacing without his black attire. I wondered whether I was just seeing him in a new light now I had got to know him better, but he looked so different, so much more open; it suited him well – it matched his eyes.

            “Morning.” I said, realising that I hadn't spoken and had been blankly staring at him since he opened the door.

            “Morning.” He responded back, he sounded tired – actually he looked tired as well.

            “Did you sleep alright?” I asked, feeling my heart squeeze tightly in my chest as I looked at him – he was gorgeous. I tried to stop thinking about that as I knew my cheeks were beginning to burn red.

            “Kind of.” He answered, I waited for him to expand, he finally sensed my silence and filled it: “I had a peculiar dream, I can't really remember the details in it, but it woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep after it. It's not like it's important.” Draco sighed and then smiled at me. Before I knew it he had wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug.

            “But you are alright, aren't you? You're not.... you're not sore or anything?” I inquired gingerly, a little embarrassed.

            “No, nothing like that.” He shook his head, but he was still holding onto me tightly. I was struck by the impression of a very lost scared child clinging onto me again, but before I had time to say anything Draco had let go of me. “So do we have any plans for today?”

            “Not really.” I shrugged, “I was actually going to ask you what you'd like to do seeing that it's your first proper day of freedom.”

            “Oh... I'm not really bothered.” He answered nonchalantly. “We could go out, if you know anywhere we could go... or we could stay in.” He was gazing at me, but something in his eyes made me feel a tiny bit unsure; deep down inside my guts there was a little niggling – something wasn't right.

            “Well... um, how about  we go out for a walk or something, and then we could come back?” I suggested, “I think Hermione and Ron are going out about lunchtime, so it would be just us this afternoon?”

            “Sounds perfect.” Draco took my hand. “Lead on then, cause I have absolutely no idea where I'm going!”

            In a city like London, which is full of people, businesses, cars and all the general hustle and bustle of life, it is very difficult to find a place secluded and away from all the frantic rushing about for you to be able to just walk and relax. So we didn't stay in London – as we reached the edge of the square in the middle of Grimmauld Place, I turned on the spot with Draco's hand firmly gripped in mine and was pressed into darkness.

            The ground was soft under my feet as they found contact with solid matter and I could hear a gentle rustling even before I had finished apparating completely. If we had managed to get to where I had been thinking of then we were miles away from anyone at all, which was just perfect.

            “Where are we?” Draco questioned, taking a few tentative steps further towards a path which led into an airy woodland. The trees were spaced out and light was flooding through the branches, being tinted slightly by the leaves and projecting green onto the forest floor; it was really pretty, it looked picturesque.

            “I think we're just on the border between England and Scotland.” I told him, “Ron, Hermione and I came to this wood when we were on the run searching for horcruxes, we stayed a couple of days.” I stayed very silent, listening carefully to the quiet bubbling sounds of a nearby river just off to the left hand side. “Some of the places that we stayed were absolutely beautiful, even in the snow. I just thought this one would be nice to get away from the city, give you the chance to really feel free after having been cooped up for so long.” I closed my eyes just for a few seconds and breathed in, taking in the smell of mud, new leaves and blossom on the trees; and savouring in the feeling that Draco and I were the only two human beings for miles around. When I opened my eyes Draco's face was inches away from mine:

            “Thank you.” He whispered so quietly I hardly registered it, he was kissing me and wrapping his arms around my back to hold me. I knew why too – because I wanted the best for him, I wanted him to feel alive and wanted and free. I wanted him to know just how much he really meant to me.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

Living with Harry in his house was definitely one of the best things that had ever happened in my life. Never before had I really felt wanted somewhere, like if I wasn’t there then I’d be missed – even Weasley was kind of getting used to me being around and being more friendly about everything! It still felt surreal that I was living with Harry Potter; but we were definitely trying to make it feel a lot more real, and more intimate, for both of us. I got the impression that before I had moved in Harry must have felt like a third wheel – Ron and Hermione were clearly in a relationship, it must have been incredibly awkward for him. So I was glad I was able to take away some of that awkwardness from him, and thankful that he’d given me a place to live!

            But the world was not all made of roses…

*

            ‘I told you that you’d listen to me in the end, didn’t I? But you didn’t believe me! You tried to ignore me like a fool! You tried to run and hide like a pathetic little child! And that’s exactly what you are, _pathetic!_ Although I can hardly call you little, not with you being the size of a baby elephant now!

            You are weak and vulnerable and pathetic, and you’ve been easily taken in by someone who you think is going to help you, but really he’s just waiting for you to get to your feet and get steady with the world and then he’s going to pull the rug out from under your feet and watch you come crashing down again!

            You’ve got an awful lot of work still to do Draco, you need to start working again – start towards perfection again. I know you can make it; you just need to take that first step. You’ve been there for nearly three weeks now – don’t you think that now is the right time to start working with me again? Even Ron and Hermione are used to you living there now, so they won’t be too suspicious about anything.

            You will need to make sure Harry doesn’t suspect you though – he will be watching you, he might want to stop you so you need to make sure that he doesn’t find out what you’re doing. Draco – you know what you need to do, you know what I need to do. So listen, and start obeying!’

*

            My eyes were closed as I sat at the table for dinner, maybe it was time. I didn’t know… my mind had been buzzing for the past few days, like some infernal wind up radio had been placed inside my head and I couldn’t turn it off! And I was agreeing with it – I had all but forgotten that peculiar dream when I had watched myself throwing up. It was the right time to start working again. Working for something I wanted so badly that it hurt… I wanted perfection, I wanted to be thin.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

’46, 47, 48, 49… 50.’ I counted in my head, then my elbows gave way underneath me and my face was pressed against the wooden floorboard. I had so let myself go; a couple of months ago I had been able to do ten times that number… the voice was right, I had let myself become weak and pathetic. But that was going to change now. Now I was ready to fight – my strength would return to me, it wouldn’t be as difficult. I knew how to do it now. I stood up, my arms still shaking slightly as they had become unused to frequent exercise. How did my sequence used to go? Sit ups, push ups, star jumps, squats. Would someone hear me if I did star jumps? This wasn’t like the manor where there was absolutely no one to hear me no matter what I did – here was fraught with possibilities of being caught. I had checked the floorboards and almost memorized which ones squeaked, if I stayed away from them then I should be able to do this silently.

            ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5…’ I started to count, and kept on going. I wondered how many I could do… more than 50, I was sure! One hundred, I’d try for a hundred and if I was alright after those then I’d do another hundred.

            I collapsed back onto my bed breathing heavily, I really needed to up my game on this again if I wanted to get anywhere. No more slacking, no more ignoring the voice when it told me to do things, I was serious. On average Harry woke up at about ten in the morning, I think out of respect he would wait a little while before coming and knocking on my door (with a good morning cup of tea in his hand). All I had to do was wake up in an hour before then (which normally happened anyway) and I’d be able to get through my whole exercise routine and have a shower before he came to my door. Then I’d be able to do it before I went to bed too.

            ‘But what if Harry catches me?’ I wondered, that thought scared me. ‘He would know what I was doing if he did…’

            ‘Do you really think he’s going to catch you? Come on Draco, you have enough brains to outsmart Potter – it wouldn’t take much!’ The voice told me. ‘And do you expect him to catch you anyway? You’re good at this. You’ve done it before! Just this time you have to be extra careful to make sure there’s no chance of Potter finding out.’

            ‘Yeah, you’re right. I can do this! I will do this!’ I agreed. This late at night it felt like anything in the world was possible, and if I wanted to lose twenty pounds then I would do it!

            My routine felt strange doing it for the first few times after such a long break; the two days after I had done it for the first time the muscles all around my knees and shoulders ached as they had grown unaccustomed to not being used. But I pushed through the discomfort – well I had to, I would do anything to get to where I wanted to be.

            “The end will justify the pain it took to get you there.”

            There was one thing that I was really struggling against; food. The last time I had been doing my routine I knew it had been working as I didn’t eat anything during the day as well so I _had_ to be burning calories… but while I was here I still was getting fed three meals a day… one meal a day used to be difficult to burn off, let alone three!

            My other big fear was my outpatient appointments, which I still had, although less frequently now. I was convinced that Healer Kiely and Healer Kirkwood would notice something when I went in. They were no longer weighing me every time I went in, which was a bonus as I knew I’d be spotted straight away if they did… I didn’t want to be found out… this was my secret. Mine and the voice’s secret. No one else was to know, ever…


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's POV

            That feeling was there again. The ‘I’m – not – sure – what – but – know – there’s – something – wrong’ feeling. I did not like it one bit, it was like an unsettled weight had taken residence in the pit of my stomach and wouldn’t budge no matter how many times I tried to reassure myself that I was probably overthinking and nothing was wrong. Even still I did not like its presence – it made me constantly on edge.

            Draco had been living with me for just over a month now; it was definitely a different experience for both of us – I had never really asked in so many words what Draco’s house was like, but everything he had indicated pointed to it not being very homely. I realised that Draco needed his own space, just like I needed mine – we were happily co-existing. Even though I knew he needed space, but we did spend the majority of our days together and in the evening Draco, Hermione, Ron and I spent hours talking about Hogwarts and other items of interest that we had heard about or thought was important. I was so pleased that Ron was making an effort – I always knew Hermione would – I had half expected him to completely ignore Draco all the time.

            So now I was sitting at the scrubbed wooden table stirring my cup of tea absent-mindedly and staring rather blankly at Draco as the uneasy feeling weighed on me and concerned thoughts whizzed through my mind.

            “Are you going to keep staring at me all evening?” Draco asked suddenly, breaking the amicable silence between us and grinning at me.

            “Sorry.” I said, looking down at my cup of tea instead.

            “I’m just so fantastic that you can’t keep your eyes off me!” He suggested, much like the way he had done when he was at school and I smiled rather forlornly at him.

            “That’s so true.” I murmured looking into his eyes; for a moment he gazed back at me then he looked away. I had seen it – there was that look, the empty hollow look was there in his eyes again. I didn’t know what I should do, should I ask him about my fears straight out? I wasn’t any good at this… this was the sort of thing that Hermione was good at, I was useless. Draco suddenly leant over the table and kissed my forehead.

            “Is everything alright? You look troubled…” Draco asked, putting out his hand and lightly touching my cheek.

            “Sorry.” I apologised again, fingering with the handle of my mug.

            “Everything’s fine.” I forced myself to smile.

            “Good.” Draco answered, then yawned, covering his mouth with his hand. “Man I’m tired… I might go and have a nap.”

            “Okay, I’ll come and wake you up in a little while.” I told him as he stood up from the table.

            Once he had left I instantly went back to my pondering about what to do. What the hell did I do? Then a memory came to me: “Don’t be worried at all about contacting us and asking for some help if you need it.” That was what Healer Kiely had said to me before Draco came home with me for the first time. Maybe that’s what I should do – write to Healer Kiely and ask him for advice… if nothing else it would alert them that I was sure there was something wrong and they’d be able to investigate in his next outpatient appointment… yes, that was what I should do. It would be far less suspicious if a Healer was asking questions rather than me. I rummaged around in one of the kitchen drawers to find a blank piece of parchment and a quill and ink, there should be some in here somewhere. I found some at the bottom of one of the drawers, among mouldy owl treats and broken quill tips – evidently neither Mrs. Weasley or Hermione had cleaned in here. I settled myself back down at the table, unscrewed the top of the ink bottle and dipped my quill in. Then I froze, quill in hand, with no idea how to write what I was worried about. Would “I’m worried about Draco” be enough? That didn’t seem to fit, it didn’t sound as though it had enough details. After a good ten minutes trying to think what to write I finally put quill to parchment:

_“Healer Kiely,_

_I am writing to you in regards to Draco. As you know he has been living with me since leaving St. Mungos, but in the past few days I’ve noticed that something’s not quite right… I’m not sure whether I’m over exaggerating something that’s not there at all or only very small, I’m just not sure what I should be doing, whether I should be asking Draco outright. Is there any advice you can give me on how to broach the subject without putting Draco on the defensive, or whether I should be asking at all? Any advice would be greatly received. Thanks, Harry Potter.”_

            I read over what I had written checking to see if there were any mistakes, or anything else I should have put in. It did seem like I was just acting on a hunch, on a suspicious feeling without any proof, but shouldn’t that be enough if I thought something was wrong? What if something was _really_ wrong and I didn’t notice? Wouldn’t that be even worse? I didn’t know for sure, but I had to try and find out what to do.

            I folded the piece of parchment and went in search of Pigwidgeon… it was times like this, when I was sending important things that I really missed Hedwig… I had never gotten round to buying myself a new owl yet, perhaps if I did then it would finalise things, I’d accept that Hedwig wasn’t on a long delivery and she wasn’t coming back. Just like Sirius, Remus, Tonks, Fred weren’t coming back. I tried to bat that thought out of my head, I’d use Pigwidgeon for as long as I possibly could.

            Once I had found him, twittering away up near the attic and attached the leg with some difficulty, I carried him to the window and watched him soar away, high up into the clouds.

            At least now some of my anxieties were on paper and someone was going to read them; hopefully I’d get a reply with some advice. As I stood I felt the knot of pressure in my stomach loosen fractionally, at least I was doing something…


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

Harry had seemed unsure about something when he had left this morning; I wondered whether he suspected me… Nah, he wouldn’t, I’d just be worrying about nothing! I had one of my final outpatient appointments today, and strangely I was looking forwards to it, knowing that I’d maybe only have to come back here once more and then I’d get away from it all completely. Harry wasn’t able to come with me today; he was going for an important meeting at the Ministry today, he had been worrying about it for nearly a week before today! But I like being on my own, it’s not something that bothers me. Besides, all I have to do it apparated to St. Mungos and then back after my appointment. Harry couldn’t tell me how long he would be at the Ministry, but he did tell me that Hermione was going to be making dinner and I was just to eat with her and Ron, Harry would get some when he got in. I had gotten up to say goodbye to Harry before he went away (I felt like a right proper housewife!). So now I was ridiculously early to arrive at St. Mungos and I was wandering around the muggle high street completely unsure what to do now. I didn’t quite feel like reporting early into St. Mungos was my best option, but then I remembered that walking around would do good.

            I’d been hoping and praying that they weren’t going to weigh me today. I didn’t want them to, I was terrified of them finding out that I’d lost seven pounds already…

            I wandered aimlessly up and down the street until it started raining and then I headed for cover inside St. Mungos. The reception was crowded and extremely noisy, as it usually was, and I didn’t wait to speak to the receptionist. Siddling my way through the groups of people and up the stairs that led to the wards. I wondered what they’d say if I told them I wanted to come back as an inpatient. I had always felt safe when I was in here, but did I actually want to leave Harry’s house? No, I didn’t. I had felt safe in here, but that wasn’t for any other reason than I wasn’t at the Manor.

            _‘And you really think they’d want you back in here? There’s nothing wrong with you, don’t be so stupid! Man up and just get on with it!’_ Yes, it was right. I just had to get on with it.

            Sat outside Healer Kirkwood’s office I tried to think about everything apart from my imminent appointment until I heard footsteps approaching from along the corridor and Healer Kiely appeared.

            “Hello Draco,” He addressed me, stopping in front of me. “Good to see you again, have you let Healer Kirkwood know you’re here?” I shook my head, “Shall I do that then? I’m sitting in on your appointment today.” My heart did a double stop in my chest, why was he sitting in? Was there something going on? But Healer Kiely was smiling at me, if he knew then he would look more serious, wouldn’t he? He knocked on the door and it opened quickly; I stood up from the chair I had been inhabiting, took a deep breath and followed Healer Kiely inside.

            Settling myself in the chair that I usually sat in during my inpatient appointments, fear erupted through my body, flooding me with panic.

            “Good afternoon Draco.” Healer Kirkwood greeted me cheerfully. “How are you doing?” The two healers had sat down next to one another; I opened my mouth to answer, but no words came out. There was a long silence that filled every space in the room and became increasingly uncomfortable as I struggled to find words. I wanted to say “I’m fine”, but my throat had restricted completely. “Draco? Is everything alright?” I clamped my mouth shut firmly and nodded.

            _‘Pull yourself together – if you act like that then they’re going to suspect that something is wrong, and then they’ll start asking questions!’_

“That’s good Draco.” Healer Kirkwood smiled, but the anxiety was still pounding it’s way though my veins. 2healer Kiely’s just here for a check up to see how you’re doing, so no need to worry about anything.” He said reassuringly. “I have the same kind of questions to ask you as I have done in our previous sessions, how are you finding home life?”

            “Alright.” I answered in a rather strained voice, why was this so difficult? “Good, yeah.”

            “That’s good – so nothing you want to talk about there?” I shook my head. “And how have you been feeling? Are you finding anything difficult?” Again my mouth opened and closed but I made no sound. Bloody hell! I closed my eyes and sighed, this was so messed up – I was at an appointment trying to convince two healers that everything was fine when it really wasn’t. It was only then that I realised, with a horrible jolt, that my eyes had filled with hot tears; and I knew if I opened them the tears would spill over onto my face. I felt ashamed… “Draco?” there was a hand placed on my shoulder; its grip was strong and reassuring. “Draco, this is a safe space. Anything you talk about in here will stay in here. We are here to help.” I took a deep breath in and bit my lip.

            When I opened my eyes Healer Kirkwood was perched right on the edge of his seat, peering at me worriedly and Healer Kiely was still standing behind me with his hand on my shoulder. If this was a safe secure place then why did I feel so insecure and unsure?

            “I – uh, I…” I stammered, furiously fighting the tears that were still welling up in my eyes.

            “Draco, remember what we spoke about at your first outpatient appointment?” Healer Kirkwood reminded me calmly. “Your time in this room is confidential, and completely non-judgemental. This is a room where you can get angry or cry and only we will know; and we’re here to help you.” Half of me wanted him to shut up; I could curse him into hell’s oblivion, that would make him shut up… but the other half of me liked what he was saying. “You’ve been out of St. Mungos for a little while now – if you’re finding it difficult or struggling with anything then it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” A great lump of ice cold fear felt like it had forced itself into my mouth and slid down to my chest. I wanted out! I was on my feet before I knew it; Healer Kiely’s hand had been wrenched away from my shoulder.

            “I don’t want to do this, I want to go.” I exclaimed harshly, the tears that had been forming in my eyes stung hot and angry. “I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to sit here and listen to this shit! I just want to leave!” Healer Kiely had reached out for my arm again. “Will you let me fucking go?!” I yelled, I was suddenly shaking with rage – why was I this angry? I didn’t know, there was no justifiable reason.

            “No.” Healer Kirkwood replied calmly. Healer Kiely and I stared at him for a couple of seconds, totally dumb-struck.

            “What?” I spat, fuming at this incomprehensible little man who was looking very calmly at me.

            “No Draco.” He repeated, “Something has upset you and made you angry, so no… you cannot leave until you tell us why you so desperately want to get away.” I glared at him with abject loathing in my gaze, but I could see from his eyes that he wasn’t going to back down. Shaking slightly, with suppressed rage which had ignited from nowhere, I lowered myself back into the chair and folded my arms across my chest tightly. “Now you can sit there and be angry for as long as you like, but we’re going to wait until you start talking about why you’re so angry.”

            “Why the fuck should I tell you?” The words had left my mouth before I realised I had opened it.

            “Has something happened at home that’s upset you?” He carried on.

            “No.” I said.

            “Well why did you get so angry at us when we asked you how you were?” Healer Kirkwood pressed on.

            “Just… just because!” I exclaimed, “I don’t want to talk about it…”

            “But there’s something bothering you?” Fear was bubbling inside my chest again and I felt like I was about to explode with confusion.

            “Yes… no…! I don’t know…” I covered my face with my hands, breath catching in my chest. “Why is everything so fucking hard?”

            “What is so hard?” Healer Kirkwood asked. The voice inside my head was telling me to shut up, but my brain seemed to disagree and started to spill everything out.

            “Just life! Being _normal!_ ” I exclaimed, “Doing every day things and all that!” I grasped my hands tightly on my knees for a couple of seconds, then released them. “It’s so infuriating, why can’t I slide back into the way I used to be?! Why does everything have to be such a battle?”

            “What’s a battle, tell me specifically, tell me individual things that you have to fight.” He said, with the psychoanalytical soothing voice; I glared furiously.

            “It’s not going to change by telling you.” I replied vehemently. “Talking about it will do absolutely nothing.”

            “Have you tried it Draco?” I stayed silent. “If you haven’t tried it then you can’t knock it. Have you not been talking with Harry?”

            “Well, yes… but not about-” I stopped. Not about what? I didn’t actually know what I wanted to say.

            “About things going on inside your head? About your feelings?” Healer Kiely suggested, and I nodded rather slowly. “Have you tried talking about how you’re feeling at all?”

            “Well it’s not something easily brought up is it?” I quipped sarcastically, “Oh yeah just so you know, my mind’s gone to hell and I think I should fucking end it all and die.” There was a stiffening silence.

            “Draco.” Healer Kirkwood suddenly sounded serious. “Have you been feeling suicidal? Please answer me honestly.”

            “No.” I said, sighing, “I haven’t. That was probably a poor articulation of what I’m trying to say… what I mean is it’s not easily to bring up how you’re feeling – how you’re _really_ feeling, is it? It’s not a usual topic of conversation, is it?”

            “Maybe not one that is broached with everyone, but one that you should be trying to talk about with someone like Harry. I’m sure he’d be wanting you to talk to him if something was bothering you, I’m sure he’d try his best to help.” Healer Kiely said, and I almost felt my heart physically sink.

            “I know.” I muttered, and I did know exactly that. I just didn’t want to talk about it. “It’s stupid. It’s not really important; I just need to start talking to Harry more.”

            Start talking to Harry, yeah… easier said than done.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

****

            Getting out of that outpatient appointment alive was a mean feat! Healer Kirkwood and Healer Kiely had insisted that I stayed until I had talked through everything that was going on in my head. I managed to avoid actually divulging what had been going on with my eating and everything surrounding that; it was all too complex and messy, and they’d probably go back to asking stupid questions in order to get me re-admitted.

            I still felt like I had said too much though; like I had let them know too much of what was going on inside my head – what was I to do if they used that against me? They wouldn’t… they couldn’t! I just had to put it out of my mind and get on with things.

            I sat for quite a while on the bench outside the entrance to St. Mungo’s, just people watching. I was wondering whether there was any point returning to Harry’s house yet; he had said that he would be at the ministry probably all day and that Ron and Hermione were going to cook dinner tonight. I wondered whether I could pretend to have had an extra long session at St. Mungos’ and miss dinner completely; but that would mean I would have to sit around, or at least go somewhere for the next couple of hours, and it was already beginning to get colder… I doubted it would be wise to stay out for that long. And if Harry did get back from the ministry he would worry about where I was and then he might get suspicious if I said I had been in an extra long session. I waited, still sat upon the bench for about thirty more minutes until I began to feel very cold, before I made the decision to go back to Harry’s house.

            Creeping up the alley way a few shops along from the entrance to St. Mungos; I looked up and down in search of people, and when I saw none I turned into the compressing darkness. My feet were the last thing to leave that alley way and the first to hit down upon the stairs leading up to Harry’s front door. I tapped the door where the handle should be with my wand, I heard it click on the inside and it swung open to let me in.

            The house was quiet, and for a few glorious moments I thought that Ron and Hermione must have gone out. Then my glorious bubble burst as I heard a clattering from the basement kitchen.

            “Draco? Is that you back?” Hermione appeared, her hair was bushier than usual and she was rubbing her hands on a tea towel. “I didn’t know what time you would get back… dinner won’t be ready for a bit yet.”

            “That’s alright.” I replied to her, “I might go and have a rest… I’m rather tired.” I feigned a yawn in order to look more convincing.

            “Okay, I’ll come and knock on your door when it’s ready.” She smiled at me.

            I climbed the stairs up to my own room; as I opened my door I was overcome with a wave of painful emotion. I pushed the door closed with a snap and sat down heavily on the edge of my bed.

            What I had said during my outpatient appointment couldn’t be more true… Everything was such a battle, I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel with the whole world now that I seemed to be in a different place within it. Before I had been alone and I liked being alone… no, I hadn’t liked it, but I knew how to deal with it. But now I wasn’t alone. Now I had Harry. He really does care, and I really love him. But being with him had turned my world, and the order I had set up inside my head, upside down. I didn’t know how to deal with that.

            The two Healers’ had probably been right – what I needed to do was speak to Harry, but did I want to? And should I really bring all this stuff up all over again? Harry did care about me though… That was another thing I could hardly comprehend… We had _hated_ each other all through school… well, I had hated him up until sixth year, after then he hadn’t given me any reason to hate him… It was all so much of a sudden shift – my understanding of the world around me, my beliefs and values had been pulled out from underneath my feet. As a result of that I didn’t know where to put my feet now, everything felt so unstable.

            I looked down at my knees, the gap in between my thighs was beginning to gain prominence again. I put my head in my hands; my cold fingers covered my eyelids bringing the darkness of the room even closer. I sighed, and then had to consciously fight the sob that was rising in my chest.

            I didn’t know what to do, how to feel; I felt numb, like nothing would ever change me. I was lost… again… 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

The light knock on the door roused me from my daydreaming – well, my staring into the same patch of grass outside of my window.

            “Draco?” Hermione’s voice called through my door; I didn’t even have to move from my seat at the window, with one tiny movement I flicked my wand and my bedroom door sprang open. “Oh!” She made a small noise of surprise. “I didn’t know if you’d be asleep…” She smiled, “Dinner’s ready.”

            “Okay, I’ll be down in a moment.” I replied and she scampered away off down the stairs again. It took all the energy I could muster to rip myself up from the chair I had been sitting in and go down the stairs.

            “Alright Draco?” She asked as I sat down across from Ron and her at the table, glancing at Harry’s empty seat for a fraction of a second. “Did you have a rest? You’re a little peaky.”

            “Yeah, I’m still a little tired.” I answered, forcing a bright cheery tone into my voice.  “I might go back to bed after this even.” I hadn’t even picked up my fork yet, on the other hand Ron had almost finished. The speed that he managed to eat was phenomenal! It took me as long to cut something, put it in my mouth and swallow as it took him to finish his whole plate. I eyed him surreptitiously; in a way I wished I could eat like he was doing, but the urge not to become a pig was greater within me.

            The meal passed in a slightly pointed, but not uncomfortable silence. Just as I was placing my plate and cutlery into the sink Hermione spoke:

            “I thought Harry would have been back by now…” She was biting her lip, “I know he said he might be a while, but what can really keep him for over eight hours?” I frowned, she had a good point! What could be keeping Harry at the ministry for over eight hours?

            “I’m sure he’ll be back soon.” I commented firmly, nodding me head at the same time. “I think I’m just going to go back upstairs… I’ve got some reading I want to do.” The second part was definitely a lie; I didn’t have any reading I wanted to do, I just wanted to purge as quickly as I could.

            “Alright, we might see you in a little bit.” She answered kindly, and then began flicking her wand to clear up the kitchen. As I was climbing up the stairs I heard her shouting from the kitchen; “Ron! Come back through here and help tidy up!”

            I closed my door, flicked on my light and stared around my room. The door to my en suite was beckoning me already; I crossed over to it in about two strides and stood at the basin, staring at myself in the mirror. I felt slightly uncomfortable – for the first time since I had started doing this I felt guilty. I mentally shook myself, turned on the taps of the sink (as I knew this would mask the sound). I had done this before, and today was no different… I moved to the toilet, rolling up the sleeves of my shirt and knelt down. I took a deep breath, selected two fingers of my right hand and thrust them violently down my throat. This first attempt only made me gag, my mouth watered and I spat the excess saliva into the toilet – then retried. This second attempt worked, I convulsed and knew I had succeeded. I brought up everything I had just eaten in one swift wave, but I stayed knelt on the floor just in case anything else decided to make an appearance. Finally I flushed the toilet and, even though my knees were trembling, got to my feet and washed my mouth and face with water from the sink. I turned the taps off and looked up into the mirror. My heart felt like it had just stopped; standing at the door of my bathroom, looking both bewildered and shocked, was Ron… 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

            The silence rattled in between Ron and me for several long moments. My insides felt like they had just been encased in ice, my breath had caught in my throat as I stared at Ron and he stared right back at me. Then Ron made a sudden jerking movement towards the door of my bedroom;

            “Hermione! Get up here, now!” He yelled at the top of his lungs. My stomach flipped over inside me, Ron wasn’t looking at me anymore, and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t look him in the eye. I settled for looking at his knees, until I saw that his knees, until I saw that his hands were balled into fists – then I took an interest in my own feet. I heard Hermione running up the stairs and I raised my gaze from the floor up an inch or so, and I saw that Ron’s knees were shaking almost as much as mine were, but I guessed not from the absolute terror that was pounding through my veins at this moment.

            “Ron, hurry up – we’re going to be late if we don’t go soon.” Hermione said, appearing at my bedroom door, pulling a cardigan onto one arm.

            “Can you go and get Pig for me?” Ron replied, it sounded more like a command than a request.

            “What?” she sounded confused, and was looking inquiringly between me and Ron.

            “Please Hermione, do it.” There was a steely note in his voice now, Hermione disappeared from the doorway and I heard her clattering upstairs to get Ron’s owl. When she came back there was a small twittering bird perched on her shoulder.

            “Ron? What’s going on? We’re going to be really late if we don’t go-” Hermione started, but Ron cut her off, taking the parchment and quill that she had brought down. He bent over my desk and scrawled as fast as he could on it.

            “We’re not going anywhere until Harry gets back.” He answered shortly.

            “What? Why? Ron, we just told your mum that we’d be-”

            I just caught him…” Ron pointed at me vehemently and I shifted my weight from foot to foot nervously. “I caught him making himself sick.” There was a ringing silence as he proclaimed what he had seen; I squeezed my eyes tight together. He had seen me.

            _‘Shit, why the hell didn’t I lock the door like normal? Why didn’t he have the politeness to knock before just barging in?’_ Thoughts were racing through my head at an unnerving speed.

            “I’m sorry?” Hermione asked, as though she had misheard him.

            _‘No,  please  don’t  make  him  say  it  again!’_ I thought desperately.

            “I saw him make himself sick.” Ron repeated, “I’m not leaving until Harry gets back from the Ministry.” He moved to my window and opened the latch, I heard him address his owl; “Go as fast as you can Pig,” and then threw the owl out of the window. The silence rose up again as I stared at the floor; I had to swallow several times, my mouth still watering.

            “Are you sure Ron?” Hermione inquired.

            “I’m not mistaken. I saw him…” Ron was shaking his head, “And we’re not going anywhere until Harry gets back and I explain to him what _he’s_ been doing.” Ron was pointing at me again.

            “Let’s go down and wait for Harry in the kitchen.” Hermione suggested, but Ron snubbed her again.

            “No!” He responded firmly, “I am waiting here until Harry gets back and I can tell him exactly what I saw.” My knees seemed to respond to what he was saying more than the rest of me as they were shaking so much that I had to sit down in one of the chairs in my room. I still was avoiding both of their eyes.

            Every second stretched into a lifetime as I waited, waited for…. What? I was waiting on a full blown argument between myself and Harry. I put my head into my hands and closed my eyes; I was beginning to feel genuinely sick now.

            I don’t know how much time passed; Hermione had sat down in the chair on the other side of the room, but Ron hadn’t moved an inch. Then there was a noise from downstairs;

            “Hello?” Harry’s voice sounded far away, even though he was only down in the basement kitchen.

            “Up here Harry.” Ron called, his voice was quavering slightly. I heard Harry’s footsteps as he climbed the staircase; I raised my head from my hands as he appeared at the door to my bedroom, wearing a look of confusion similar to the one that had been on Hermione’s face when she had first come up.

            “What’s going on?” I felt goose bumps erupt all over myself again, there was genuine concern in his voice… Oh, why was I so stupid?! Why had I succumbed to the voice’s power? I stared at Ron, waiting for him to deal the blow that would most likely break Harry and I… Harry was going to be so angry at me… but Ron seemed to have been struck dumb, he was looking at Harry with his mouth hanging open, but no sound was coming from him. “Ron? You said in your letter something was urgent.” The silence in the room was echoing between all of us and, for a second, I hoped that Ron wasn’t going to drop me in it.

            “Hermione and I were just about to head round to the Burrow, so I came up to tell Draco…” The words suddenly gushed from Ron’s mouth like blood from a wound. “But when I got up here I caught him…” My heart was doing triple back flips inside my chest as Ron paused and glanced over at me, then he plunged on regardless. “I caught him making himself sick.” I was watching Harry’s face as Ron made his proclamation; it didn’t even flicker when Ron said it. “I saw him!” I felt like the silence was becoming all-consuming within this room and this conversation as it engulfed us again. Harry was just staring at Ron, his face blank and his features loose; I looked between Ron and Harry completely unsure of what was about to happen.

            “Are you still going to the Burrow?” Harry asked very calmly, as though Ron hadn’t said anything at all or called him back from the Ministry urgently.

            “Well…” Ron looked slightly taken by the serenity in Harry’s voice.

            “Yes!” Hermione broke in for the first time, practically leaping off her chair and grabbing Ron’s arm. “We’ll go now.” I felt more hopeless as they both left and I heard them talking quietly as they got further and further down the stairs. While they had been in here I had been safe in a strange kind of way… Like Harry wouldn’t explode if they were present. But now it was just Harry and I… now it was going to start. I closed my eyes and screwed them tight shut, I felt like I was suspended in a moment of time and would give anything for all of this to be over. I didn’t hear anything or open my eyes until I heard the bed springs of my mattress creak as someone sat down on it. When I opened my eyes Harry was perched on the edge of my bed with his hands over his face; he looked very tired and I heard him sigh. The silence was uncomfortable now, and I didn’t know how to break it without being stupid, son I waited.

            “So…” Harry started eventually, putting his hands down onto his knees. “What’s going on?” He didn’t sound accusatory, or annoyed, or exasperated… he just sounded calm. I opened my mouth, but my throat had gone completely dry and was now incapable of making noise, let alone coherent words. “Draco? What’s wrong?”

            “I…” My voice cracked as I forced myself into speech. “I don’t know…”

            “There must be something wrong…” I hated the hurt that was ringing throughout his voice. “Are… are you struggling with food again?” Harry looked at me, and I knew that I had to tell the truth…

            “Yeah.” The word was whispered through fear of the reaction that would come after it.

            “Why haven’t you come and talked to me about this?” He sounded pleading; this was not the way I had expected this to go.

            “I… I…” I didn’t know how to reply to that; I thought about the conversation that I had had with the Healer’s this morning. “I didn’t… I didn’t want to ruin everything.” Then right before my eyes Harry appeared to deflate, like all the air was rushing out of him; all his passion and fight was evaporating out of him.

            “Ages ago you asked if you thought we would work together… and I said yes, if we worked at being together.” Harry started; he looked as though he was struggling with deep thoughts. “And I meant that, I really do think we can work together… but our communication has just…” He was shaking his head. “We need to talk to each other, or there’s no point in being in a relationship, is there?” Harry was giving me no time to take in what he was actually saying; he was ploughing on with whatever was coming into his head. “Neither of us have really done the whole “opening up to someone else”, have we? Not properly anyway, that’s probably why it’s so hard for the both of us. But I really want to try. I don’t know if you’re ready, or willing, to open up yet…” I stared at Harry… what was he suggesting? That we shouldn’t be with each other because we weren’t ready for it? “I think that’s something you need to think about, and I do too.”

            With that final statement Harry stood up off my bed and left; I was frozen, dumb struck in the chair that I was sitting on, staring at the place where Harry had just vacated. Was he really serious about what he had said? Did he really think that we should split up over this?

            I couldn’t have felt more stupid, more disappointed in myself than at that moment – was I really prepared to throw away the best thing that had ever happened to me because I wanted to be thin…? 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's POV

I closed the door of my bedroom and locked it with a flick of my wand. I could feel myself shaking because of what I had just said to Draco… I couldn’t believe the situation that had arisen between Draco and myself. I fell back onto my bed and stared at the high ceiling. I was so tired that I could fall asleep and stay asleep for several days…

            I couldn’t properly distinguish the feelings that were coursing through me; I was so angry, but upset, and frustrated, and tired, all at the same time. I didn’t know which emotion was connected to what…

            I kind of wished that Ron hadn’t told me what he had seen Draco doing; how perfect it would be to remain oblivious… but it wasn’t right… Being honest I had suspected that something was wrong. Draco had been more reserved of late, and I had wondered whether he had been relapsing into old habits, like Healer Kiely had warned me about. I remembered the letter I had sent to Healer Kiely asking about my concerns regarding Draco – I wondered whether Healer Kiely had spoken to Draco about it today during his outpatient appointment… Then I remembered that it was a different Healer that did outpatient. I had expected Healer Kiely to reply to me at some point – he had offered any support if we needed it.

            Maybe… maybe I should go and see Healer Kiely or the other Healer if possible, and ask in person what I should do now that I knew what was going on. I sat bolt upright on my bed; actually that wasn’t a bad idea! Going and asking for some advice in person was sure to get someone to tell me something… I could go now – it wasn’t too late, I might just catch Healer Kiely as he was coming off shift… I looked out of my window, the sky was growing darker – there was a dark indigo tinge permeating the horizon as night crept in. I _had_ to do _something_ … because despite having to said to Draco that we had to think about whether we should be together, because our communication had completely broken down, I didn’t want to lose him…

            I hovered at the end of the ward that I had first encountered Draco in St. Mungos’, trying to look inconspicuous and not draw attention to myself. Unfortunately being Harry Potter makes acting inconspicuous slightly trickier than it is for most people! Luckily the person that spotted me was the person that I wanted to talk to.

            “Harry?” Healer Kiely inquired, just as I was beginning to think that I had loitered too long and should probably go home.

            “Hi.” I said rather nervously.

            “I was going to write to you tonight in reply to your letter,” He told me quite cheerfully, then his expression changed rapidly. “Is everything alright?”

            “Yeah, well… kind of.” I stammered, “I don’t suppose that you’re available for a quick chat? There’s a few questions I think I need to ask someone…”

            “Of course.” He nodded, “Come this way.” He led me just inside the ward and into a small, tidy office. “Grab a seat.” He offered, seating himself in the chair behind the pine desk. I was trying to arrange my thoughts into an order in which it would make sense to Healer Kiely, but I didn’t need to – he pre-empted me. “I’m assuming you’re here about Draco?” He didn’t even wait for me to make any sign of agreement. “I sat in on his outpatient appointment today, I thought I should after I had read your letter, and you were right.” I stared at him, still not having said anything. “Draco admitted that he’s struggling with settling back into normal life. It’s not entirely unexpected; most people have some trouble adjusting back into day to day life.” I replied quietly, then cleared my throat. “I was at the ministry all day today – I didn’t know how long I was going to be, so Hermione had offered to cook tonight. After they had eaten, Ron and Hermione were going to visit Ron’s parents and Ron went to tell Draco that they were going out, but… Ron caught Draco making himself sick.” I stopped, not sure what else to say, there was a silence as I gathered together what else had happened inside my head. “Ron called me back from the ministry to tell me what he had seen; but I’m not sure that I reacted right, or said the right thing to Draco.” I looked at Healer Kiely, who was wearing a look of disquiet and appearing deep in thought.

            “Hmm… I didn’t know about that…” Healer Kiely voiced aloud. “That’s something I’ll have to pass on to Healer Kirkwood, and he’ll bring it up with Draco in his next outpatient’s appointment. Thank you for telling me this.” I nodded slowly. “You think you maybe didn’t react correctly to Draco? Can I ask how you did react?”

            “Well, I just said that maybe we need to think about whether we’re ready to be in a relationship, because neither of us is very good at communicating, or opening up to someone else.” I answered, “But I kind of wish I hadn’t said that, because I don’t want to split up with Draco… I really do want to be with him, but I didn’t really know what else to say!” I was getting exasperated with myself. “I asked him if he was struggling with food again and when he replied yes I questioned why he hadn’t come and spoken to me about it, and he said because he didn’t want to ruin everything… I mean, how am I supposed to know and do anything to help if he hasn’t spoken to me in the first place?!” Healer Kiely was looking intently at me, taking in every word that I was saying; he remained silent for a few long moments, seemingly pondering what I had told him.

            “I don’t think what you said was insensitive or incorrect as such – but you maybe should make it clear to Draco that you don’t actually want to break up over this, but what you do want is for both of you to communicate better with one another, even though it’s difficult and takes effort.” Healer Kiely replied eventually, “Draco did say that he was uncertain on how to broach the subject of feelings, so that’s maybe a subject that you should talk about with him.”

            “Right, thank you.” I smiled weakly, nodding. “I’m sorry for coming this late; I just thought that this is something that I should deal with straight away…”

            “Of course.” He said, “Very wise. If things like this are left unchecked then they can grow arms and legs and turn into something much bigger very quickly.”

            After thanking Healer Kiely several more times I left the office and slowly walked down the stairs and out of the front entrance; surfacing into the deserted muggle high street. It was time to go back home, see Draco and speak to him properly, and try and sort out this situation once and for all.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

I didn’t move from the chair I had sat down on, while Ron and Hermione were still in the room, for the longest of time. I was deep in thought about the past six months, recalling everything that I could about everything – every tiny little detail. Right from the time when I had first been admitted to St. Mungo’s, and refused point-blank to co-operate with anyone. I hadn’t wanted to be there and didn’t think I had had any reason to have been admitted in the first place… Then I had ran into Harry for the first time, or rather passed out into him – I remembered the resentment that I had experienced during that first encounter. Then Harry had come back – which I really hadn’t expected; well, he didn’t have any real reason to come back. But he kept doing so… he kept visiting me, and forced me into re-evaluating what he was really like… I had considered the evidence that had been presented to me and come to the conclusion that Harry wasn’t actually as bad as I had remembered him being while we were in school. Well, I had come to that conclusion at one point during school, but old habits die hard – and it’s much easier to pick a position and stick to it than to change your mind. But suddenly it had seemed easy to see what Harry was like – maybe it was the lack of constant pressure from those around me… My father wasn’t there to make up my mind anymore, it was purely my choice. But it seemed that Harry had changed too – possibly the relief from the pressure of having to be “The Chosen One” had brought about a relax in his personality. He seemed much more relaxed and carefree, much less highly strung.  And there was something that I had never noticed before; Harry was cute! The fact that he genuinely seemed interested in what was going on with me was also very nice to know… I remembered the feeling I had gotten one evening after Harry had gone home, like maybe there was someone left in this world that had some kind of interest in me… Like maybe, if I ever got out of here, I would have a friend.

            Then Harry had rushed to the hospital the night that my heart had begun to fail – how he had sat beside my bedside all night and told me that he liked me… probably more than just as a friend.

            While I was remembering that particular night at the hospital my chest felt tight and my heart strained from guilt and frustration directed towards myself. That night had been a clear indicator of how dangerous the path I had been taking was – I had nearly died. All because of a desire to be thin.

            But that time I had survived – and I had started to recover properly with Harry’s help. That rung in my mind as well; ‘ _with Harry’s help.’_ I wouldn’t have been able to do anything – I don’t think I would have found a reason to get better if it hadn’t been for Harry. Harry had given up so much time, expended so much effort to try and help me… he had even invited me into his home when I had faced the prospect of having to go back to the big empty Manor and live on my own. I was the most ungrateful little shit on the planet… Everything that Harry had done to help me I had basically thrown back in his face…

            Had I ever stopped to think about all the inconvenience I would be causing to Harry and his friends?

            Had I actually ever thanked him?

            Now it might be too late… Harry had said we needed to think about whether our relationship was worth it because neither of us really had been talking about anything that was of any great importance to us being a pair… and we should have been, because if we had talked openly and honestly then this disastrous mess could have all been avoided…

            _‘You need to do something now… go and talk to Harry! Go and do it now, while the whole thing is still fresh in your minds and you can sort it out!’_ The little voice inside my head that I had come to associate with Harry himself was whispering in the back of my head.  _‘Go and talk to him at least, for goodness sake!’_

            With no idea about what I was actually going to say to Harry, I got up from the chair I had been sat in. There was one constant returning thought which kept repeating itself in my mind. _‘You don’t want to lose Harry… you don’t want to lose Harry…’_

            I knocked on Harry’s bedroom door, I felt like I had no right to just enter, I would wait until I was invited… but there was no answer. I knocked again… still no answer. Was he ignoring me? Maybe I should give him time to calm down… I glanced at my watch; it had been over forty minutes since Harry had left my room… wouldn’t he have had the chance to calm down by now?

            “Harry?” I knocked on the door slightly harder now while calling through it. “Harry, can you come to your door please? I need to talk to you…” I stayed very silent, listening for the sound of any movement inside the room; it didn’t sound like there was anyone inside… maybe he was asleep? He had been out at the Ministry all day, and he’d looked exhausted when he arrived back…   

            I hovered right outside the door, thinking quickly about what I should do… if Harry was asleep then I should probably let him rest, but I really wanted to talk to him about this now. What if he was just ignoring me? In a split moment I made my decision – I knocked on the door again, slightly louder this time. “Harry, please….? Look – I think we need to talk about this now… please. I really want to sort this out.” I sighed heavily as I heard no sign of any answer from inside. I leant against the door and reached my hand out towards the door handle; the door was firmly locked. “Harry? I’m not going away until you come and talk to me.” My chest was tight, and I felt hot tears welling in the back of my eyes; I just wanted to put this right, it was all my fault.

            “Please Harry – you need to listen to me; I know I’ve screwed up massively, I know this mess is all my own fault.” I didn’t care how desperate I sounded – I _was_ desperate – my voice was wavering between thick emotion and cracking; the tears were still stinging my eyes as I fought to stop them spilling over onto my face. I felt a chill sweep over my body – it did seem like it was over…

            “Harry…? Please, please just come and listen to me.” I pleaded through the door, I sniffed loudly. “Please don’t ignore me! I really, _really_ … Harry, I don’t want to lose you! I want to talk about this now before it gets too late!” I furiously swiped the tears away from my face; my voice was rising in pitch as I became more and more emotional. “Harry!” I banged on his door with the base of my hand, until it hurt. I stopped, my head and base of my hand rested against the door; I took a deep breath and attempted to stop the flow of tears. “Harry, I just want you to know that I am sorry, and I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done – all the time you’ve given up, and the opportunities you’ve sacrificed for me. I genuinely am so thankful that I ran back into you. I’m not prepared to let my own stupidity ruin us now… I’m not ready, or willing, for us to be over.”

            “No… neither am I.” Harry’s voice came from directly behind me. I spun around to see Harry standing on the top step of the staircase; his hair ruffled, it looked like from recent apparition, his eyes were redder than normal and his hand was gripping onto the banister so tightly that it appeared to be holding him upright. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco's POV

“We need to talk.” Harry broke the silence.

            “I know.” I replied, wiping my face with my hand and nodding slowly. Harry looked so serious; I felt all of my body stiffen as I looked at him. He pulled out his wand and flicked it at the door of his bedroom, which unlocked instantly. He pushed the door directly in the centre of the wooden panel, and I followed him into the room. I stood awkwardly for a couple of seconds, watching Harry, before he jerked his head towards the bed. I perched right on the edge of it – my heart was thundering so quickly in my chest it felt like it was attempting to push blood around my body at grand prix speed! Harry sat next to me on the edge of the bed and looked down at his knees. The silence expanded like a chasm between us, and I stared down at the wood panelled floor for the longest time… Until I heard a loud sniff from beside me. I looked up at Harry and noticed that there were tears clinging to his eyelashes behind his glasses; for some reason it made me feel immensely uncomfortable – not because he was crying in the first place, but because I knew that I was the cause of those tears.

            “Harry…” I croaked, my throat had gone completely dry.

            “I’m glad you said what you did…” Harry cut in over me. “When I was behind you; when you were talking through my door…”

            “I thought… I thought you might be ignoring me.” I muttered very quietly.

            “I went out…” Harry answered, it only struck me then that he hadn’t looked at me once at all since we had sat down. “You know, to think about what – to think about tonight… what I had said to you, and everything.”

            “Yeah…” I responded, “I’ve been thinking about it too, about what you said.”

            “I think I was too… hasty before. I said things that I didn’t mean and stuff that I did mean too.” Harry looked up at me, looked straight into his eyes, and I could see a light glimmering in the tears swimming in his green eyes. “I don’t want to end our relationship now… I think we have come through too much to give up now…” Relief flooded through me, spreading warmth through every nerve in my body in exactly the same way that chocolate did after a dementor attack. “But-” I knew there had to be a but, it had been too good to be without a catch. “We need to talk properly…” Harry placed his warm hand on top of my own. “I need to know what’s going on with you; I want you to know if you’re struggling… I want to know everything about you – so that if you need any support or anything then I can be the one to give it.” Tears had started stinging at the back of my eyes again as I listened to Harry. “I don’t care if it’s difficult, if you’re hurting, or feeling down, or whatever… I want to share in that; I want to be the person walking through the black with you…” Harry’s voice cracked, and he gripped my hand and squeezed it tightly. I was thinking hard, processing what Harry had just said to me, eventually I replied;

            “I… I don’t want you to walk through the dark with me.” I started; in the space of a heartbeat I saw hurt flash into Harry’s eyes, so I continued quickly. “Because I don’t want to be in darkness anymore. I don’t want to be anything like this…” I took a deep breath to try and steady my shaking voice. “I understand what you’ve done for me; I understand how much you’ve helped me. I just want you and me to be happy. You’ve given me so much, now I just want to return that…” I unfastened the hand that Harry was holding and put it around his shoulder, pulling him towards me. The feeling of him against me made the tears spill over onto my face. “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen back into old ways; I’m sorry that I’ve been making myself sick… but most of all, I’m sorry for not confiding in you, for not giving you the thanks you deserve. I promise I will from now on…” Harry’s hands clasped my shoulders and pushed me back so that I was at arm’s length away from him.

            “Draco, I don’t want your thanks! I just want you to be alright! I just want you to trust me and know that I want the best for you in everything you do!” Harry’s voice was stronger again, “If you don’t say thank you to me ever again then that won’t bother me one little bit!” He gazed into my eyes, “I just want you to believe…” His voice rang with a kind of self-assured knowledge; “Believe that you are a wonderful person, that you are worth so much! You just need to believe it yourself, because I do…”

            I opened and closed my mouth a few times, not sure how to reply to his proclamation; I noted then sincerity which was clear all over his face and strong in his voice – and then stopped: _‘I am worthy, I just need to believe it. If Harry thinks it then I need to think it too.’_ I thought, then nodded at Harry.

            “I know it’s hard, I know it’s going to take effort – I know we’re going to have to work on our relationship… but I think it’s worth it.”

            “Yes, it is worth it.” I responded firmly.

            There was a brief silence as we held one another, searching in each other’s eyes; it would be hard, but it would definitely be worth it…

            “I’m so glad you haven’t just given up on me…” I murmured, “I was worried that I had screwed everything up so badly and it’d all be over because of me…”

            “I didn’t want to give up on you.” Harry shrugged, “I don’t… I want to try and do this properly; talk and figure out things together, and everything else that makes a relationship work…”

            “Start over?” I suggested.

            “Kind of…” Harry answered, then lapsed into a silence with a thoughtful expression featured on his   handsome face.

            “Draco… I love you.” If I hadn’t watched Harry say it then I would have been convinced I had hallucinated what I had just heard.

            “I love you too Harry.” I whispered honestly. “I really do.”

            Harry was smiling at me, I could feel my mouth curling into a smile too as he leant towards me and kissed me. I was ready, and willing, to work for this relationship with Harry.

            Harry, who had been there for me through my darkest of times… Harry, who wanted to be there for me in the future… I wanted to be there for him too; for when he needed my help. I was going to make this work, because I wasn’t prepared to lose him. I was going to be with him, and love him for as long as is humanly possible, as he had given me everything to live for. I was going to be his reason to live, and his eternally grateful partner.

            Draco Malfoy – the boy who made all the wrong choices, and was given the opportunity to correct them; and Harry – the boy who loved…

            Together, we could face it all and make our own path. 


End file.
